Flying Carpets^^^

Hurricane Katrina lashed out her anger on New Orleans as she left a trail of destruction in her wake. Houses wrecked, trees uprooted, lives lost. Peeping out of my house, I saw Katrina completely destroy my garage and smashed open my car. I just couldn't believe it as I saw padding from the seats and fragments of the car window being blown away. All 4 of my car rugs were spinning wildly in the gale. It was surely a mat mat mat mat whirl.


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Dedicated to the victims of hurricanes and typhoons everywhere in this mad mad mad mad world. Can't these countries see that the Kyoto Protocol to control greenhouse gases and global warming needs to be signed by every nation and thoroughly enforced. Otherwise things can only get worse.

S-tressed Out^^^^

Mary had long beautiful curly locks but peer pressure dictated that it was fashionable to have totally straight hair. To have her hair ironed and pressed by professionals was pretty expensive but she found a compromise solution. She went to a hairdresser's school where girl trainees would do her hair for half the cost.
Big mistake! Her hair was badly burnt and she had to buy a wig to hide the damage. Needless to say, she was the laughing stock of all her so-called friends.
Something just snapped within her. She swore revenge and began a kidnapping spree against all the hairdressers at the school. Over a period of a year, one by one, she would knock them out with chloroform and then sell them off to pimps in the sex trade.
When she was finally caught, she was taken to the FBI headquarters and interrogated. She was asked where she got such a bizarre idea. "No big deal" she replied, "I see the signboards telling me what to do everywhere."

"And what signboard is that?" the Interrogator asked.

"Just like the one outside this building," she smiled
"Tress Pressers will be Prostituted"
(Trespasser will be Prosecuted)
----------------
Dedicated to all the abused children -- perhaps externally wounded but all mentally scarred for life.
----------------

Fruitility^

The durian seller is a master of the sleight of hand. No matter how carefully you watch him pack your fruits, he still manages to sneak in a rotten one.
In other words, there is "All Lice in one Durian".
                                     (Alice in Wonderland)


-----------------------
Dedicated to the King of Fruits -- the Durian and Lewis Carroll. So is it aroma de heaven or just eating custard in the toilet? Only the Cheshire Cat nose.

Fly Away Peter, Fly Away Appall^^

Not sure where 8 year old Peter got his nasty streak, but he sure took out his meanness on his little sister and the animals around him.
Kicking and stoning cats and dogs was a daily affair. Others were really gross.
Just the other day, he put some butter on the garbage can and watched the flies gorge on it. When they could no longer fly, he then took a sewing needle and pierced the whole lot of them into a necklace. When he garlanded his sister, you should have heard her scream.
"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE, PETER!!" she yelled.


"Bloat like a Butter Fly. String like a Bead" he replied honestly
(float like a butterfly, sting like a bee)


----------------------
Dedicated to Mohammad Ali for a riveting performance both inside and outside the ring.

The Bitch is Back^^^^

Susan was an only child and a rebel. Her aristocratic upbringing could not hold back her anti-social behavior and at the age of fifteen she promptly left her family to join the Hell's Angels, roaming the country on her stolen Harley.


One day a lawyer tracked her down. He told her that her father had passed away. In his will, he had left her his multi-million dollar inheritance on condition that she give up her wild ways and return to her duty as the last living heir of the family.


As this story is not a fairy tale, needless to say, she complied and lived happily ever after in wealth and luxury.


As there are not too many ways to spend your time when you don't need to work, she wrote a book on her exploits and her eventual return as heir to the estate. The name of the book?


"The Bitch Biker's Ride to the Legacy"
(Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)
---------------------
Dedicated to the late Douglas Adams - a imaginative humour writer without equal. Thank you for your "trilogy" of 6 books and no thanks for the pathetic movie and all the fish.

Whale of a Wave^^

Who can forget that amazing scene from David Attenboriugh's Life on Earth where the orcas would glide to the shore at high tide to catch the hapless seals.


The most famous of all the orcas is, of course, Shamu, currently entertaining thousands at San Diego's Sea World. Undoubtedly tamed, but accidents can easily occur when dealing with a multi-ton beast.


Just the other day, a trainer was badly hurt when Shamu accidentally scraped his arm with its teeth. After being rescued, he angrily shouted, "I am going to sue everybody for this. The management, the company, the .... "


"Take it easy" his boss replied, "you signed an indemnity form when you took this job to exclude any work related injury.
"You cannot sue many as it was a tidal whale.
(ok, ok a little contrived -- "sue many" for Tsunami and "tidal whale" for tidal wave is definitely pushing it.)


--------------------
"I complained I had no shoes until I saw a man with no feet." -- Sayings of the Buddha
Dedicated to the victims of the Great Sumatran Tsunami of 26 Dec 2004

The Fellowship of the BoRing^

People who say that The Lord of the Rings is the best movie of all time are just Tolkien nonsense.


----------------
Dedicated to J R R Tolkien, Isaac Asimov, Arthur C Clark -- the authors who filled introverted kids like myself with wonder and imagination.

Tennis Zero^^

Robin Gibb was a great singer and composer for the Bee Gees but was under the illusion that he could play great tennis as well. While he could easily beat the locals at his club, he really wanted to prove to everyone that he could beat the professionals as well.
His brother, Barry, tried discourage him but to no avail. Robin put up the money and challenged Andre Agassi to a one-to-one match for a million dollars to the winner. This was, of course, readily accepted.
As the game progressed, the score went from 15-Love, 30-Love, 40-Love, Game, 15-Love, 30-Love, 40-Love, Game, 15-Love, 30-Love, 40-Love, Game and on and on. Barry just could not bear to watch Andre massacre his brother and left the court after the first set. When he estimated that the match would be about over, he felt that he had to call up Robin to console him and to find out if he had managed to score any points at all against Andre. He knew that Robin will be feeling down and he had to be tactful in his question. He dialed Robin and asked, “How Deep is your Love”.


--------------
Dedicated to the #1 Bee Gees fan in Singapore and ex-army buddy, Kanan. (I told you I would make a feghoot out of it!)

Mick’s Mix Motive^^^

People were getting increasingly skeptical of organised religion and the effect was plain for all to see, especially in Western Europe. Only a few people regularly attended the churches, mosques, temples and synagogues. With such poor attendance, it was inevitable that many had to be closed down and sold at rock bottom prices due to oversupply. Rich and famous musicians were keen to buy up such properties for a song (no pun intended) as tax shelters. They could also use the hall for rehearsals, performances and (heaven forbid!) parties while waiting for the prices to recover.
A nosy reporter happened to investigate Mick Jagger’s purchases and found out that he had bought several churches, temples and synagogues but not a single mosque. Strangely enough, neither did Keith Richards and the rest of the band members.


The mystery was finally solved when the reporter managed to corner Mick one day and asked him why this was so.


“It no secret” replied Mick “Everybody knows A Rolling Stone Gathers No Mosques.”
(a rolling stone gathers no moss)


--------------
Dedicated to freethinkers of the world and the fantastic The Rolling Stones...a concert I can never forget!

First Cut is the Deepest^^^^

At last, the true story how Heather McCartney lost her leg.


Very few people know that Paul McCartney was an amateur magician and Heather was his assistant. While he was not composing or performing with the Beatles, he use to do his magic show at charities and parties and always got a polite applause so as to not hurt his feelings.


Unfortunately, Paul really began to believe that he was great and requested his professional illusionist friend David Copperfield to watch and comment on his illusions. Paul did his usual boring tricks and as a grand finale, did the “sawing the lady in half” illusion.


David honestly told him that all his tricks were quite standard and to be a good magician he had to do the tricks differently.


“What do you mean?” asked Paul angrily

“Say, for example, can you saw Heather in the upright position rather than the normal reclining position?” asked David

“Of course, I can saw her upright”

“No you cannot, Heather will not be able to squeeze into half the box while upright” said David.

“Nonsense”

“I challenge you to do it”

“No problem. Heather come here! Put the box upright and get in.”

“I dare you”

“Just watch me. Hand me the saw”


Paul proceeded to do the illusion and we all know what happened to poor Heather's leg. Paul felt so guilty that he gave up magic and he eventually married Heather when his wife Linda died.


You will not find this incident in any Beatles archives, but Paul wrote a song about it. You see, he called the fateful challenge as the “I saw her standing” dare.


--------------
Dedicated to the Beatles who revolutionised pop music and made our lives so much richer. Also to to the great magicians -- Houdini, David Copperfield -- who earn an honest living with their illusions instead of the "psychic" charlatans who give people false hope and con them of ther money.

Un-Bear-able^^^

Once upon a time, in the merry old days of King Arthur, Sir Lancelot the Valiant and Sir George the Dragon Slayer, there lived a brave knight called Sir Valentine. These days of yore still had a phase between friendship and love and many a brave knight traveled the countryside on their trusty steed to court fair maidens. While Sir Valentine had all the attributes expected of a knight, he had one minor flaw. He had a weak bladder. Whenever he started to court a lady, the inevitable would happen.


Needless to say, the sight of urine flowing down his leg was a real turn off (or whatever the term they used in those days). Soon the ladies would giggle to each other whenever he approached to court them. It was sad to see such a perfect knight ruined by such a minor flaw and to go down in history being known only by his nickname---

"Pee knee the Woo"
(Winnie the Pooh)
--------------
Dedicated to my daughter Shazeen’s favorite cartoon character.

Down and Out^^

Not easy being a food server in a restaurant these days. Gone are the days when all you needed to do was smile, talk politely and take the order. Nowadays you have to help out in the kitchen and even move furniture. Just the other day, my boss asked me to move the refrigerator and I, like an idiot, decided to do it myself to impress the boss. What was I thinking!


You can imagine what happened. A sharp pain raced through my groin. I bent over and collapsed with the damn thing on top of me. 
Just Like a Fridge over Doubled Waiter.
(Just like Bridge over Troubled Water)
-----------
Dedicated to my favorite game - Bridge

Whatever Will Be^^

Sam just couldn’t stop trying to educate his precious little daughter Kay. They were in the Temple of Karnac in Egypt and he spent all his time pointing out structures, hieroglyphs and the ancient history of the Pharaoh and their various Gods. As they passed yet another statue of the Egyptian Sun God, he once again repeated those words for the umpteenth time
“Kay see Ra, see Ra”
(Que Sera Sera)
-------------
Dedicated to Sheza with apologies to the French language

Base Instinct^^

Things began to get a little nasty at the recent UN conference. Both Pres. Bush of USA and China’s Premier Hu wanted to give the opening address.
“I am the President of the most powerful and richest country in the world. I will speak FIRST.” Bush exclaimed.
“I am the leader one quarter of the world’s population. I have the right to speak FIRST” Hu insisted.
As the argument got more heated, diplomats from both countries worked behind the scenes to avoid World War 3.
It was finally resolved when the Chinese diplomats proved without a doubt that throughout the past fifty years, every American knows that “Hu’s on First”

-----------
Dedicated to Abbot and Costello's classic "Who's on First" and to some of my favourite comedians -- George Carlin, Woody Allen, Jon Steward, Stephen Cobert., 

Riting the Wrong^^^

The old Hindu priest was quite frustrated. He was in charge of organising a traditional Balinese Dance and one of the 3 dancers did not show up at the last minute.

“Can’t we just go ahead with 2 dancers, O holy one” asked the junior priest.

“No, we must have all 3 or the show has to be cancelled” replied the old priest.

“But, O wise one, everybody will be so disappointed. I have talked to the 2 dancers. They are all dressed up in their traditional costumes and they are quite willing to go ahead without the third.”

“You don’t understand,” said the Old Priest “we must have 3.
You see, TWO SARONGS DON’T MAKE A RITE.”
               (2 wrongs don't make a right)

----------
Dedicated to that wonderful Island of Bali (minus the tourists) where Shaan's wedding reception took place with an ocean back drop and paper lanterns rising into the sky over the rainbow.

Vatt did U Say^^^^

In Alphabet Land, there lived two long time enemies – the U tribe and the V tribe.

Although they disliked each other, protocol dictated that whenever they passed each other on the street, the greeter would nod its head and the response would be a twist of the head to the right in acknowledgement.

One day a certain V greeted a U in the usual manner but the U totally ignored him. This sparked a major argument, but the U refused to relent.

Later that day a group of Vs letter-napped the rude U and brought him to an abandoned room. In spite of several threats and assaults, the U refused to twist his head. Finally they threw some sour watery milk on him and the U finally relented.

This only goes to show that “V have wheys to make U torque”
                                             (we have ways to make you talk)
-----------

Dedicated to Mauthausen Concentration Camp in Austria where I saw words written by an inmate "if there is a God, he owes me an apology". I was where  untold evil and cruelty occurred and futile screams from unbearable pain. This put the final nail in all supernatural religions and move me completely to atheism. No god would or could allow such torture. 

It Ain’t Heavy, She’s My Mother^^^

Before the days of mass agriculture and foreign labor, farms were just a few acres across and it wasn't uncommon to have extended families living together to help out.

Riaz and Lily owned one such farm and lived with their several small kids and both their elderly widowed mothers.

It had been a hard day picking the fruits and vegetables and it was pretty late in the evening before they could even start loading their truck to get the groceries to the city before dawn.

"It's eight now, why don't you tell your mother to rest a little. My mum can work until nine and your mum can then take over and complete the job?" Lily suggested.

Riaz knew better than to argue.

Well, as you would have guessed, Riaz's mum overslept.

When Lily saw her mother still working past nine, she walked briskly to Riaz, tapped on her watch uttered those immortal words:

"It's 9:11. Oh! Same Ma Been Lading"
                      (Osama Bin Ladin)
------------
Wrote this feghoot to commemorate 9:11 and all the cowardly terrorist killing of innocents. Sad that innocent Iraq got hit a thousand times over for a crime Al Qaeda committed. The worst kind of terrorism is, without doubt, committed by leaders of countries.

Liquid Assets^

Joe kept on making money on the stock market, regardless whether it was going up or down. This attracted the attention of the Security Commission who tailed him night and day. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary except that Joe bought several barrels of apple juice every week. When Joe was out one day, the agents put in hidden surveillance cameras all over his house. It revealed that he fills his bathtub with the apple juice, sits in it and then calls his broker on his cell phone to buy and sell.
Needless to say, he was promptly arrested for “in cider trading”.

-------------------
Dedicated to the lowest life on the Earth – the Financial Consultant. (My apologies to the Lawyers and Politicians for not giving them this honour ... it was close though.)

Zoo Blues^

A small town in Alaska had just spent a bundle importing some wildebeests from Kenya to their modest zoo. They regretted their decision almost immediately as the exotic animals had an enormous appetite of expensive imported African grass and continuously needed medical attention as they fell sick in the cold. They were sent back to Kenya within a month. It was a simple decision in hindsight.

Everyone knows that no gnus is good news.
(sorry, not one of my better ones)

--------------
Dedicate to my father Adam and his fight against Animal Cruelty

Water Hazard^^^

While many adventures of Sir Lancelot have been told through the centuries, this particular one, for obvious reasons, has been forgotten.

Sir Lancelot was out in the moors of merry ol’ England late one evening. As he could not see any village nearby, he laid down to sleep for the night on the grass. He was rudely awakened when he felt some warm liquid on his face. He looked around and found himself in the midst of a flock of sheep, quietly grazing. It did not take him long to conclude that they were

“sheep that pass in the knight”
  (ships that pass in the night)

------------
Dedicated to my camping friends Tom Polin and Christopher Richardson. Had a great time at the Reunion in Macau in 2007.

Bob’s Breeze^

“Please doc, can you help me”

“What seems to be the problem, Bob?”

“I have a flatulence problem, doc”

“I think I can give you something for that”

“Will the treatment cost a lot, doc?”

“It depends on how serious your problem is, ”

“Can you be more specific, doc”

“Not really Mr. Dylan, you see, the answer is blowin’ in the wind.”

-----------
Dedicated to Bob Dylan of the 60s (before Nashville Skyline, religion and metal)

Beetween the Bees^^^

Once upon a time, there lived four bees.

All through the summer, they frolicked from flower to flower and had a great time. However, when winter came, it was clear that the meager food they had stored would be insufficient for them to survive.

After some serious discussion, they decided that two bees would have to sacrifice their lives so that the other two could live. Obviously, no one volunteered and they could not figure how to select the victim.

So which “2 bees ought not to be, that is the question”
(to be or not to be. That is the question)

------------
(Feghoot written in memory of Shaan’s Bee sting – June 11, 2003)

Food for Thought^^

Well it had to happen sooner or later. Genetic engineering had modified so many animals and plants that the public was pretty much immune to such on-going breakthroughs.

Yet when it was announced that a prominent scientist had modified the humble sweet potato to the level of human intelligence, skepticism reigned. But at the press conference, all doubts were erased when a microphone was placed next to the tuber and the world heard those immortal words.

"I think, therefore I yam"

---------
Dedicated to my Vegetarian father – Adam

Bend the Ruler^^^

James was one of a set of identical triplets. While his brothers were easy going and flexible, James was one stubborn sob. Nevertheless, they were very close and loved each other dearly.

One day they decided to visit the Kingdom of Qari for a holiday and immediately attracted the attention of the vizier who was at the airport at that time. Thinking that the identical triplets would amuse his majesty, he got his guards to round them up and brought before his King.

They were instructed to bow down when the King made his entrance. While his brothers did so, James stubbornly refused. This was viewed as a supreme insult. But according the strange law of the land, a person who does something out of principle could not be physically harmed in any way but any random person could be punished as the vizier pleased.

On the vizier command, the guards immediately took out their batons and began beating his brothers. James winced but kept upright. His brothers were then pelted with rocks, but James still refused to bow. Finally, the brothers were tied to the stake and set on fire.

“Will you now bow before the King?” screamed the Vizier.

But James gritted his teeth and replied “Sticks and stones may bake my clones, but James will never curtsy."
(sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me)

----------
Dedicated to the late Dolly the sheep – the first cloned animal and to the science of cloning. 

I have to admit that I heard the punchline somewhere before. This is because the puns and spoonerism does not follow my usual precise format. 

Harping Away^^^

Cockney Himmy Jendrix was a master of the electric harp. While George Harrison’s guitar gently weeps, Himmy’s harp drips the sweat from his body as he bangs and strums his way through his wild performance.

One day, after a matinee performance and a few drinks inside him, he picked up his son from school. On the way home, he lost control of the car and his son was killed when the car hit a tree. Himmy was dazed but unhurt.

Beset with melancholy and guilt, he totally lost his enthusiasm for music and his harp playing was reduced to mediocrity. Himmy visited many psychiatrists and therapists to get him through his depression, but to no avail.

One day a friend suggested making an appointment with a witch doctor. Himmy was skeptical but what did he have to lose. On meeting the “doctor” he poured his heart out about his career and the events that led to his depression. 

Finally the doctor replied. “I think I may have the answer. I suggest a tattoo of your son, which I will etch on your shoulder. This will symbolize the spiritual connection of your music to your dead son.

Incredibly the advice worked. Jimmy got over the sorrow and was soon back to his wild performances – sweat and all.

There was no need to explain his recovery to anyone. It was all there in the lyrics of his opening song.
“Son Sign on my Shoulder make me Harp Pee”
(sunshine on my shoulder makes me happy)

----------
Dedicating this feghoot to my daughters – Shaan(shine)and Shazeen. A life without them would be unimaginable. 

A Hairy Problem^^^

At the famous Fisherman’s Wharf in San Francisco some years ago, a strange phenomenon was occurring. It seemed that at the end of some of the elaborate and colorful piers, a type of hairy fungus was growing and the tourists were complaining.

Every time the cleaners shaved off the moss with their chisels, the hair would be back in a couple of days. It was pretty puzzling, as the moss would only grow back at their original spots and never attack other areas.

Needless to say, the tourist board was alarmed as this area was the number one tourist dollar earner in SF. Marine biologists were called in from the University of San Francisco to analyze the situation.

After a couple of months and a few million dollars of research and experimentation later, they finally solved the mystery. The fungus grew on white paint only at the end of the pier and not on other color paints that was used. Basically, their recommendation was

"So no white end the shaven wharves"
(snow white and the seven dwarfs)
-----------------------------

Wrote this feghoot to commemorate my daughter Shazeen’s School - USF