Sunday, March 10, 2013

Big Butt Problem^^^

The grandfathers of Rock, the Rolling Stones were performing. As usual, with the high prices, the majority of the people watching the show were middle aged and many of them were pretty obese. This posed some problems as the seats were of standard size at the theater. Several of them complained and shouted to Mick Jagger on stage who finally said he would send the manager and his staff to look for a place in the theater with wider seats so that those who were overweight would be comfortable.

Unfortunately, they were no wide seats in the theater and the manager told Mick the bad news. Sadly Mick went to the mike to make the sad announcement –

"I've tried and I've tried but 
I can't get no fatties’ section"

(Can't get no satisfaction)

Dedicated to the Stones and the wonderful music of the 60s & 70s and the fatties (I'm getting there)

Friday, May 04, 2012

Sheep Deed and Aye^^^

Prof San Holo was busy at his lab. He was experimenting with splicing genetic material from rams into eggs of bees. With global warming,  certain species of flowering plants flourish while others perish. The idea was to give bees the ability to digest leaves and grass to make honey and thereby reduce the need to be reliant on nectar and pollen from flowers.

The first Gene splicing was a disaster. The bee digestive system became dysfunctional.
The second attempt disrupted the honey production with lactose contaminant
The bee grew tiny horns in the third!

He then tried DNA from a sheep and Eureka! Yes indeed. It worked because he 
Made the Fourth Bee with Ewe.
(may the force be with you)

Dedicated to the science of Genetics -- pushing evolution to places it has never gone before. 
And to Science Fiction -- pushing our imagination there as well.
(title : Sheep DNA)

Thursday, February 10, 2011

No Food For Thought^^^^

The natives were restless.

They weren't after some innocent white settlers like in the movies. 

They were restless because in spite of their non-stop prayers to god, there was still no sign of rain. The drought was taking a severe toll on the crops and their livelihood.

A small group of intellectual young natives finally realized that all this "god" stuff was just a delusion. The priest says if it rains, then "god" made it rain and answered our prayers. If it doesn't, then "god" is not pleased and we should donate To his temple. Clearly a flawed logic.

They needed money to buy food for their families and they now knew exactly who had been squeezing them all these years with a promise of heaven. They sneaked into the temple that night and poked out the solid gold eye of the god idol. As expected, while trying to leave, they were caught by the guards with their state-of-the-art security systems.

The culprits were publicly caned on their asses for their crime and for the disrespect of the religion. In short ...

Their butt for disgrace of gored gold eye.
(There, but for the grace of god, go I)

2 dedications ...
1. Richard Dawkins and his insightful book "The God Delusion"
2. During my treks through the third world, I saw a lot of poverty, sickness, hard labor and suffering. Why are they being punished? Why are they born in an environment where they have no chance? Why are their babies dying of starvation? Seeing the total unfairness of it all,  one can't help but conclude that there is no supernatural meaning to life. 

"Thank you. I will eat today"

You're Fired^^^^

A golf fanatic died and faced god.

"You committed a lot of sins, including NOT believing in me" roared the lord "what do have to say in your defense?"

"But lord" the golfer pleaded "you made me imperfect and you knew I would commit these sins. How can you now punish me for your mistakes?"

"ENOUGH" said god "you're fired. Go and burn in hell for eternity you unbeliever."

"Oh mercy, oh lord, mercy for being an atheist. If only you could have shown me a clear sign."
"You telling me what to do? You think god was created in your image or I created you in my image? Why should I show you any mercy when I ordered the massacre of every man, woman and baby in Jericho. Except of course for the prostitute and her family as a reward for betraying her city?"

"But lord, when my diabetic father's leg was amputated, I prayed and prayed to you like the millions of amputees on Earth but not a single new leg appeared to anyone. So I lost faith. Mercy. Mercy"

"Don't say I am not merciful. For every 1,000 years in burning brimstone, you can play one day of golf in hell. Here are some photos of the golf course."

"But lord, unlike on Earth, the greens seem to have overgrown weeds almost knee high. How do I putt?"

"Well, this is not Earth is it? You should know that The Green is Grassier on the Other Side."

Dedicated to Friedrich Nietzsche, Bertrand Russell, David Hume, Ayn Rand and other philosophers for providing a flickering candlelight in a dark world of irrationality, herd mentality and blind faith.

With dogma and religion off my back, I find no evidence for a supernatural meaning of life. I don't recall being conscious before I was born and I seriously doubt I will be  conscious after I am dead. No greener grass is available and I am a little too old for an imaginary friend.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Movin On^^

Constipation is no fun! So many remedies but good old fashion Caster Oil usually does the job by thinning and lubricating the hardened stool mass. Well, as the saying goes ...

Oil Thins Mass Pass
(All Things Must Pass)

Dedicated to Time. Helping us forget the pain of the past and anticipate the wonders of the future-- If only you will let it.

Tuesday, July 06, 2010

Reining in the Cry^^^

Don't ever to go a Baby Show. I was at my club and I decided to watch for a while. Things were fine until the first mother placed her baby on the weighing scale as required by the rules. There was an earth shattering scream followed by wailing and bawling. The organizers were helpless. Worse than that, it was contagious! One by one, as if on cue, all the other babies joined in.

I guess that's the Weigh the Bawl Bounces.


Dedicated to our Children. Sure it is tough the first couple of years and later in their teens when their brain had not caught up with their body. But I wouldn't trade it for the world. (The title is, of course, Crying in the Rain)

Monday, June 28, 2010

Pure Weaval^^^

Salome's wedding was just a few days away and she wanted something daring to wear. This is not easy when you live in conservative Abu Dhabi. She called the premier bridal shop and they said they would send over a sales lady with some items. In this country like elsewhere, they have what you call "walk shops" where they provide this exclusive home service for the rich and famous. (This ain't some Fuller Brush nickels and dimes stuff)

Soon the saleslady was showing her the items and there it was --- perfect! A daring hand-weaved mauve veil with enticing slits and hemmed with precious stones.

Well in hindsight, it was obvious. Everyone knows that

"Bridal Aims are the Dare Veil's Walk Shop"

(Idle Brains are the Devil's Workshop -- a variation of the less accurate "hands" version)

Dedicated to Shaan and Jeremy 2-year stint in Abu Dhabi. 
And also to the best friend you will ever have -- yourself. There are wonderful and interesting people and things all around us we should never let ourselves get lonely and become neurotic. 

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Twas Brillig to the Glue King Lass^^^

At 4pm, White Pawn Alice made it to the 8th rank. She was crowned as a White Queen, captured the Red Queen and checkmated the Red King. This was surely a case of when the 

Reign is Canceled because of the Game.

(game is cancelled because of the rain)

Dedicated to Nonce, Portmanteau, Spooners and other types of nonsense words that so enrich our lives.
(Title meaning : Twas Brillig (4pm) are the opening words from the Jabberwocky poem in "Through the Looking Glass" which the title spoonerizes the G  "to the Glue King Lass" (King that cannot move is glued ie Checkmated and the Lass is, of course. Alice)

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Brain Drained^^

The professor suddenly turned to his assistant "Suppose we have a volunteer who agreed to have his undamaged brain removed."

"What!" exclaimed his assistant

" Hypothetically speaking  of course. We have the knowledge and the technology to circulate oxygenated blood to keep the grey matter, white matter and other brain components alive, healthy, alert and, most importantly, be fully aware."

"What are you getting at?"

"Wouldn't the brain then still be conscious?  Without sensory input from the nerves. wouldn't the person's grey matter conclude that it is actually existing detached from the body? It can still  think therefore it  will conclude that it exists ... to actually be!"

The assistant was shocked  "Oh Dear!  What?  Can the Matter Be?"

Dedicated to our amazing Brain. This feghoot may look like fantasy but I have no doubt that when a person is guillotined, his conscious head falls into the basket and fully aware of what has happened for a few minutes until oxygen deprivation takes effect.

Tuesday, February 02, 2010

Getting Mooned^^^

"You can't go wrong investing in Silver" said the financial analyst.

"But I've got burnt with your advice before" moaned Sam

"Not this time Sam. There will be a chronic shortage of silver because the heavy rains in Peru have affected the mine's output. Prices will shoot through the roof!"

"Are you really sure? Silver prices are at an all time high."

"Of course they are. The shortage is driving the prices up. Now stop moaning. You will be laughing all the way to the bank in a few weeks"
Of course Sam invested his money and, as before, silver prices crashed. He had fallen for the lie again.

Buy the Lie of the Silver -- Re-moan
(By the Light of the Silvery Moon)

Contrary to what the poets and laymen say, when you understand something, for example the moon, it does not take anything away from the beauty or the mystery of it. The beauty remains and the mystery is raised to a higher level. This feghoot is dedicated to the "The Theory of Everything" -- the ultimate quest to explain the universe and beyond ... 42

Sunday, January 24, 2010

The Buck of the Draw^^^

After the loss of his wife, renown artist Pickassol just couldn't paint with the same fiery passion anymore. His work went downhill.

He decided to head down to his country manor to do some hunting and fishing but there was no improvement in his paintings. In desperation, he drained some blood from a deer he had shot and grounded it with the flesh of a fish. Using that as paint, he finally managed to produce a great work of art! In hindsight, it was obvious why this worked.

To be successful, you need to put your hart and sole into it.

Dedicated to Vincent Van Gogh who showed us the meaning of passion

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Sadder of Luck heirs^^

The double murder happened in the family home during Ma's birthday party on a beautiful June day. The suspects were their 3 teenage children - Tom 17, Cindy 18, and Frank 19. Ma and Pa were found dead in their upstairs room with bullet wounds. 

They had just announced that they had some new information that Tom was a voyeur. They were going to change their will. Now that is a perfect motive, if there ever was one. 

"Yes" said Cindy to the Inspector "it has to be Tom or perhaps Frank, who is on drugs. As for me, I was busy in the bathroom as I had a bout of vomiting after food and was showering" 

"I may be a peeping Tom, so to speak, but I am not a murderer. I was ... uh ... Ok ok watching Cindy bathing from the keyhole." Tom stuttered. "I can tell you exactly what she was doing when the shots were heard in Pa's room. Of course I was the first to enter their room but the murderer was gone."

"Yes inspector" added Frank "Tom is a good person in general. Very kind, smart and kinda good-looking too. Now Cindy is different. She is badly in debt and will do anything to get the loansharks off her back. As for my whereabouts, I was outside in the garden. Not even in the house! Cindy saw me come inside when she was on the top of the stairs. Tom was already in Pa's room, I think."

"Was there anyone else in the house at that time?" Asked the inspector.

"Not really" replied Cindy "the gardener had already left several hours earlier after pruning the tall branches of the oak trees outside. He locked the padlock on the gate on his way out. That is why when we called you, we had to unlock it to let you in" 

"So it has to be one of you three" mused the inspector, rubbing his chin. "Frank, i am arresting you for the murder" 

"But I was outside!" frank protested. 

"Exactly. Using the same ladder the gardener was using to shoot them from the open bedroom window."

The fingerprints on the ladder confirmed his guilt and Frank confessed.

Tom breathed a sigh of relief. "that was a brilliant piece of deduction, inspector"

"I knew it right away once he started to praise you in his statement. It has to be. You see, 

He Who Praise the Peeper, Culls the Two"
(he who pays the piper, calls the tune)
One piece of hard evidence is better than 100 eye witnesses. 1 eye witness is better than 100 hearsay accounts.
Unfortunately, people will believe what they want to. Selecting snippets that support their view while ignoring the bulk of contrary evidence. Basing your beliefs on majority opinion, statements uttered by authority or what's written in books is not rational.

Title : Sadder of Luck heirs
          Ladder of Success

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Cash a blank card^^

Rubber Bridge.
High stakes.
No Luck.
Opponents just made slam.
Pay up.
Made another game.
Got to Pay.
Oh no!
They just bid grandslam.
And made it!
Pay it again. Slam.

Dedicated to my love-hate relationship with duplicate bridge. Love it for the challenge, strategy and thrill. Hate it for the stress and the time it sucks away from my other interests. I swear I don't want to play it any more .... but I don't want to play it any less either (groan). 

BTW, Bogie never said "play it again, Sam" in Casablanca (title of feghoot). but Woody Allen, one of my favorite comedians (my favorite is George Carlin) did make a movie of the that name.

Allen: What are you doing Saturday night?

Woman: Committing suicide.

Allen: What about Friday night?

Monday, October 05, 2009

Blue Moo^^

Mad cow disease was spreading fast and the dairy farmers in Austria had to act fast. They buried the dead cows and quarantined all the groaning sick ones.

The ills are Alive with the Sound of Moo Sick.
(The hills are alive with the sound of music)
Dedicated to the researchers in their never ending fight against the microbes. Will there come a time when a deadly strain will be totally resistant to all our drugs?

Fool's Gold^^^

Conquistador Francisco Pizarro with superior weapons ruthlessly massacred the Incas and looted tons of gold.  The hoard was so great, he could not take it all back in his ships and hid most of it.

Father Samuel got an ancient map during a confession from an explorer who killed an antique dealer and stole it from him. The map led greedy Father Samuel deep into the Andes. At a remote village, he managed to buy a pony and made his final push to an obscure cave. He managed to cleared out some rubble from collapsed passages and there, lo and behold, was Pizarro's treasure!

He fully loaded his pony and started the trek back. Unknown to him, he was being stalked by bandits. Suddenly they made their move. He tried to escape on the pony but it collapsed as it was too overloaded.

Needless to say, he and 
a Full Andes Pony are soon Martyred.
(A fool and his money are soon parted)
2 dedications this time.
To the destroyed civilizations on every continent throughout history. Aside from the devastating massacre and genocide, the victors also forced their religion, values and culture. So much  interesting, valuable and important knowledge has been wiped out.

Also dedicated to those of us who have lost their hard earned money by lending, investing, giving money or just getting outright cheated  by conmen.  Sweet talkers with get-rich schemes or sad stories are far more effective than the mugger in the street.