Oh S(h)ucks^^^

With its ferocious wildlife, walking through the jungles of Malaysia is not for the faint hearted. Not the tigers and venomous snakes of course -- you would be lucky to even spot one! The biggest threats are the mosquitoes and other bugs with the poisons and diseases they carry. Much less dangerous and very common are the leeches. They crawl into your socks and clothes for a painless blood meal. The guide explains before the trek how to handle these. Pulling them out can cause damage and not recommended. For smokers it is easy -- just give them a burn and they will fall off. Or you can use a penknife to chop it up.


Vera was walking with her fellow students on a school field study trip. She was clearly not experienced at jungle walks. She wore shorts! And this was a night trek! Almost immediately a leech anchored to the back of her thigh. She felt something and took out her flashlight and penknife to handle the critter. The very thought of cutting a leech was so "icky" but there was no choice. She quickly pressed the knife on the leech, sliced it in half and ran back to her holiday chalet. Cause of the problem? She wore a Short in the Dark.


During her shower, she glance back to where the bite was and to her horror, half of the leech was still clinging on! Blood was still slowly oozing out of the sliced body of the leach -- how gross! Now she understood why the guide had advised to "chop it up". Lesson Learnt? Never give a Sucker an Even Break.


-----------------------------


Dedicated to the suckers of the world -- that means almost everyone, I guess. For which one of us has not gone through life being conned at least once. Unrepayed loans, used by others for hidden agendas, manipulated - perhaps even willingly and happily, emotionally played out ... the list goes on. The meek shall inherit the Earth? Dream on.

Born to be Wild (the beast)^^

"Some of these newly imported wildebeests from Kenya are out of control" said the zookeeper "they are running amok in their common enclosure and hurting the calm ones."


"What do you suggest, sir?" asked the assistant


"What the hell am I paying you for? You come up with a solution or you're fired"


A few hours later, the zookeeper came back to check.


"Great job! I see you have tied ropes around the necks of the crazy ones and hitched them to the fence"


"Yes sir. I hope these bad ones will calm down after a while so I can release them."


"By the way, how did you manage to think of such a simple but elegant solution?"


"Lucky I guess ... I just figured that No Noose is Good Gnus"
                                                       (No News is Good News)
---------------


Actually, no news is bad news. War, hunger, disease is pretty much ignored by the news media. Maybe there is not much demand for it or perhaps we just become immune to it after a while. As the saying goes -- one death is murder, a million is just statistics. Tell that to the million crying mothers ....

Bare Necessities^

At the herb plantation, the native workers rarely used any footwear. Several herbs had prickly leaves and stems and this resulted in frequent cuts and scratches on their bare feet.


The management wanted them to put on shoes and came up with a slogan that could hardly be overlooked.


The injuries were drastically reduced when the catchy signs went up... "Thyme Wounds all Heels".
         (Time Heals all Wounds)
------------------


For people who have undergone real painful losses, time doesn't really heal all wounds. But it does help somewhat.

Lambasted^^^

Mary had a little Lamb
But the Lamb was a Ram
Entered Mary's room -- oh Damn
Unexpectedly and Wham


Revenge was Mary's Plan
Took an axe and Bam!
With bread and Ham
Mary had a little Lamb


Nine months later a Prang
Oh what a Sham
There pushing a Pram
Mary had a little Lamb


-----------------


Dedicated to the simple joys of life like breeze in your hair, the smell of pine needles, sitting on a swing, holding hands, laughter of children. (above poetry notwithstanding!)

Here and Gone^

A conversation between a father and daughter


F: You know, I'm getting deaf ....


d: Hear today, Gone tommorrow ...


F: And balding too ...


d: Hair today, Gone tommorrow ...


F: Now stop that. How is your German friend with the sickly pet rabbit ...


d : Herr today, Gone tommorrow ... Hare today, Gone tommorrow ...


F: Now cut that out or I'll disown you ...


d: Heir today, Gone tommorrow ...
By the way dad, I am changing my sex .....


F: Oh well! Her today, Gone tomorrow.


--------------


Dedicated to the generation gap -- let's keep it small.

Special De-livery^^

Nonook the Eskimo was a true entrepreneur. While his fellow Eskimos were out hunting seals, he exported fois gras to France! He raised geese in a heated barn, force-fed them and later cut out, minced and processed their liver.


Things were going fine until one cold winter's night when the power tripped in the barn. Needless to say, every goose was frozen to death the next morning.


With bankruptcy looming, he came up with an idea. Why not use seal's liver? His fellow Eskimos hunted lots of seals and he could get the liver real cheap. Surely, after mincing and processing, they would taste similar.


He put up signs all over town and within no time, his business was better than ever.


Some called him a sneaky genius, but the Eskimos also gave credit to his catchy Sign "Seal De-Livered"


-----------------------------


Dedicated to the people who boycott food that causes needless animal suffering (fois gras, turtles, shark's fin etc). If you have to eat meat, at least take those that minimise suffering.

Words in the Sand^^^^

Heracles (Hercules) was asking Zeus for more powers.


"You know how the system works in Xanadu, ... uh Olympus" said Zeus "you scratch my back and I scratch yours"


"Of course, my God"


"That slimy God of the Sea, Poseidon, is going to run for TOP God in the coming election. He's all wet, I tell you"


"Yeah, pathetic. Nowadays, even Gods don't know their place." nodded Herc


"That sewer-polluted not-so-low-life actually challenged me to a contest. Just imagine .. me! An election gimmick of course, but my spin doctors have advised me to take it up."


"Whatever I can do, Zuzu"


"Of course I can do it easily myself, but it is beneath my dignity to be seen with him."


"Of course, Big Zee"


"Tomorrow, on Olympus Beach, you have to write my name 1000 times in the sand before his tide comes in to wash it away. You have less than 6 hours."


"I wont let you down"


Well, Herc was there on time at high tide. Poseidon and a huge crowd had gathered, together with the judges -- Dryan, Upala and Nimos.


As the tide receded, Herc started writing furiously... Zeus, Zeus .... Being ambidextrous he foiled Poseidon's plan by writing with both his hands at the same time! It was a close finish but Herc did it.


The next moment, Zeus appeared to soak in the glory of the cheering crowd. "A chore well done, Heracles, worthy of an epic feat"


Herc replied in all modesty,
"Epic Chore is Worth a Thou Sand-words"
  (A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words)
 ------------------------------------------

Dedicated to the wonderful world of fantasy, science fiction and fairy tales -- stories limited only by imagination. Too bad when children grow up they actually believe incredulous stories to be true! Only now, it is called religion.
(Yes, I am ambidextrous)

No Light Weight^

"M" assigned agent "A" to knock off "the Earl" -- Spectre mafia chief.
"Q", as always, issued "A" with his latest gadget -- a death ray gun. Unlike a light laser, this shot out a heavy dose of Gamma rays. With this,


"A" downed the Earl in Weighty Rays.

(Around the World in Eighty Days - transposition of  the letters D, W & R)
------------------------------------------
Dedicated to my love and passion of Travel. Unshaven, coke & M&Ms & chips within easy reach, steering wheel in hand, John Denver on the CD, loved ones all around and a deserted road ahead to somewhere I have never been. How close to heaven can I get?

Burning Love^^^^

When the Beatles visited India in the 60s for some yoga and meditation, one of the places they went to was the holy Hindu city of Varanasi. Sited alongside the sacred Ganges, it is the place where Hindus go on pilgrimage at least once in their lifetime. The bustling city is a Mecca (oops, wrong religion) for rituals on milestone occasions like Birth, Marriage and, most importantly, Death.


The Beatles, needless to say, witnessed the cremations at close range, next to the temple and mounds of burning wood. Unfortunately, their fans were also there, pushing and shoving to get a better view of their idols.(the Beatles, of course, not those in the temple). Of course the inevitable happened. While trying to avoid an over-eager fan, Ringo slipped and burnt himself on the flames. (He finally managed to reach high C, btw)


Well, as the saying goes,
"Out of the Prying Fan and into the Pyre."
 (Out of the Frying Pan and into the Fire)
------------------------------

Dedicated to the amazing Beatles and the overcrowded city of Varanasi where I watched a never-ending "production line" of corpses going through ceremonial washing, wrapping, cremation, ash-collection and ash-scattering.

Streaking Shrek^^^^

Shrek, the giant ogre, became very famous after his movies. With his enormous strength and kind heart, he continued his fight against evil into the 21st century. Needless to say, the United Nation felt that its own role as peacekeeper had been usurped and decided to issue a challenge to Shrek which they felt he surely could not do. .


"If you can leap around the Earth in a single bound, we will accept you as the true guardian of peace" they said.


Shrek could not shirk this challenge and started his training (to the tune of Rocky, of course). The critical day finally arrived and of course, the media had worked up the population to near hysteria. Will he do it? Can he do it?


All was set! A dwarf got down on his hands and knees at the starting/finishing line. He was to be Shrek's springboard! Now Shrek started his run almost a kilometer away. Building up speed rapidly, he literally blazed towards the starting line. (Of course his clothes burnt away due to air friction, but that is another (x-rated) feghoot) At the starting line he stepped on the dwarf, got a boost and vanished towards the horizon.


He was tracked via satellite as he flew round the Earth. Ninety minutes later, a small speck was seen on the other side. It was Shrek! He landed (some say crashed) a mere 100 meters past the finishing line. He had made it!


As the microphones from the world media were pushed into his bruised face, he called his dwarf pal to his side, pointed to him and uttered those historic and immortal first words.


"That's one Small Man for Step, One Mankind Leap for Giant"
(That's one Small Step for Man, One Giant Leap for Mankind)
------------------------------------------

Dedicated to all the Astronomers, Scientists and Engineers who put Neil Armstrong and others into space. I looked at the moon and Saturn with my 3-inch Newtonian when I was maybe 8 and astronomy has been my passion ever since. Thank you Voyager, Apollo, Hubble and the rest. Also to astronomer Prof McCord at MIT for whom I worked part-time while studying.

Beauty Turd^^^

Little doubt that Sylvester was the leader of the cat mafia who terrorized Tweety and the other birds in the neighbourhood.


The birds decided to hire a huge dog to help them teach Sylvester a lesson he would never forget. In the middle of a freezing winter's night, the plan was set. The dog grabbed Sylvester while he was asleep and the birds started to peck his eyes. He was then thrown into a half-frozen lake. With bleeding eyes and almost frozen solid, he promised never to bother the birds again.
 He was taken back to his house to warm up and Tweety summed up what Sylvester really was.

Ice Thawed, Eye Sore, A Pushy Cat
(I Thought I Saw a Pussy Cat)
--------------------------
Dedicated to the wonderful eccentric Warner Brothers cartoon characters of my childhood -- Daffy, Bugs, Foghorn, Elmer, Coyote. Sure beats the boring stuff Disney puts out.
Title : Tweety Bird

Horsing Around^

I love horses and I love parades! When the two come together ... wow.
For the Mardi Gras, our polo club was asked to contribute a float. We had to decorate ourselves and our horses with colourful flowers and ribbons and bows on the saddle, reins, stirrups and all over the horse. We also had to display a sign denoting our club's name. Some would put on their saddles, some wear that on their clothes, and Some Wear Over The Rein Bow.
      (somewhere over the rainbow)
--------------


Dedicated to all the horses we had owned -- Ivory Princess, Bearer Bond, Bonus Bond (what a beauty!) and Amaan.
Israel "IZ" Kamakawiwoʻole version with the ukelele was played at when I walked Shaan down the aisle in Bali towards Jeremy. Unique and wonderful. "And the dream that you dare to, why,  oh why can't I?"

Footloose^

After Sam's trip to Bali, he was fascinated with the exotic "bamboo dance." The performance had 2 men clapping long bamboo poles close to the floor while 2 women stepped in and out of the poles to the rhythm of the music.


Back home, he tried out the dance with a couple of his friends using cue sticks. Needless to say, the whole thing was a fiasco with Sam getting his feet whacked by the sticks over and over again. It only goes to show that you shouldn't jump the cue.
                                                           (jump the queue)


-----------

Dedicated to my 2 left feet which have deprived me of my love of dancing. So unfair. (my singing voice sucks too).

Ghosts to Hell^^

The spirits were restless. They were told by the top honcho (Holy Ghost) that they must wear clothes when they haunt people so as to not offend their modesty while scaring them to death! Two macho souls protested against the directive and set fire to a garment factory in protest.
 In the Spirit Times the next day, the headlines screamed ---
"Two Manly Spooks Broil the Cloth"
(Too Many Cooks Spoil the Broth - tri-Spooner of C, Sp & Br)
 -------------

Dedicated to the Skeptics and Rationalists everywhere. A fragile flame providing light in a world dominated Supernatural Beliefs and Superstition.

J. R. R. Tolk-Inn^

Frodo and Samwise made use of their travel experience to open a chain of hotels throughout Middle Earth. Such was their quality and value that people would Laud of their Inns.
                                     (Lord of the Rings)
-------------
Dedicated to all those who are young at heart and manage to retain their love of fantasy and wonder throughout their lives.

My 'air Lady^

Prof. Henry Higgins took Eliza Doolittle to his mother’s house for high tea where he offered the cockney girl some ham sandwiches. When Eliza later recounted the event to Henry’s high society friends, there was some confusion. As she dropped all the “h”s, they were under the impression that she went to
‘am ‘igh tea.
(MIT ham high tea)
--------------------------


A short feghoot with 2 long dedications ... sorry
Dedicated to my Alma Mater, MIT. Thanks for a great education and lots of fun. Too bad universities don’t teach you to be smart. You need the streets for that.


Dedicated to my HongKong Diocesan Boys' School Literature teacher, Mr. Jacobsen, who "taught" me how to watch movies (and applicable to people, places and everything in life too I guess)! Don't just look at the stars and the main songs. Look deeply where very few do -- the costumes, the background, the extras, the background music. "Go see My Fair Lady again with this in mind" he said.

Time for Flying^^

It was a long hot summer at the home for retarded children. Howard, as usual, was sitting by the open window which, of course, had a screen to keep the bugs out. Occasionally, a bug would land on the screen and crawl around looking for a way in. Actually, there was a small tear on the bottom left corner and a bug would eventually find it and fly in. Howard found great amusement checking on his watch to see how long it took an insect to find the gap.

To the care-givers, it looked like Howard as was totally nuts. Here he was looking up, looking at his watch, looking up again and repeating this all day. Little did they know that ... How Time Flies


-----------------------------------------------

Dedicated to mentally handicapped who have been unfairly cheated of a life and my father, Adam, who was chairman of the Tampines Home for Retarded Children for many years.

All the thyme in the World^^

Ghosts are weird, as everyone knows. They mess up ordinary houses and still continue to stay there instead of 5-star hotel suites or Bill Gate’s mansion.


What people don’t know is that these spirits do get hungry as haunting is clearly an exhausting activity…. you know … moving things around, flying about.


Being ghosts and all, it is easy to get money to purchase any amount of food, but they eat just one type of herb! And even then, only if it is delivered by a donkey! Like I said, they are weird!


In other words, Ass Thyme Ghosts Buy
                        (as time goes by)


------------------
Dedicated to all the delusionists of the world who give their time and money to fortune tellers, priests, mediums and other paranormal charlatans.