Sadder of Luck heirs^^

The double murder happened in the family home during Ma's birthday party on a beautiful June day. The suspects were their 3 teenage children - Tom 17, Cindy 18, and Frank 19. Ma and Pa were found dead in their upstairs room with bullet wounds. 

They had just announced that they had some new information that Tom was a voyeur. They were going to change their will. Now that is a perfect motive, if there ever was one. 

"Yes" said Cindy to the Inspector "it has to be Tom or perhaps Frank, who is on drugs. As for me, I was busy in the bathroom as I had a bout of vomiting after food and was showering" 

"I may be a peeping Tom, so to speak, but I am not a murderer. I was ... uh ... Ok ok watching Cindy bathing from the keyhole." Tom stuttered. "I can tell you exactly what she was doing when the shots were heard in Pa's room. Of course I was the first to enter their room but the murderer was gone."

"Yes inspector" added Frank "Tom is a good person in general. Very kind, smart and kinda good-looking too. Now Cindy is different. She is badly in debt and will do anything to get the loansharks off her back. As for my whereabouts, I was outside in the garden. Not even in the house! Cindy saw me come inside when she was on the top of the stairs. Tom was already in Pa's room, I think."

"Was there anyone else in the house at that time?" Asked the inspector.

"Not really" replied Cindy "the gardener had already left several hours earlier after pruning the tall branches of the oak trees outside. He locked the padlock on the gate on his way out. That is why when we called you, we had to unlock it to let you in" 

"So it has to be one of you three" mused the inspector, rubbing his chin. "Frank, i am arresting you for the murder" 

"But I was outside!" frank protested. 

"Exactly. Using the same ladder the gardener was using to shoot them from the open bedroom window."

The fingerprints on the ladder confirmed his guilt and Frank confessed.

Tom breathed a sigh of relief. "that was a brilliant piece of deduction, inspector"

"I knew it right away once he started to praise you in his statement. It has to be. You see, 

He Who Praise the Peeper, Culls the Two"
(he who pays the piper, calls the tune)
--------- One piece of hard evidence is better than 100 eye witnesses. 1 eye witness is better than 100 hearsay accounts.
Unfortunately, people will believe what they want to. Selecting snippets that support their view while ignoring the bulk of contrary evidence. Basing your beliefs on majority opinion, statements uttered by authority or what's written in books is not rational.
Title : Sadder of Luck heirs
          Ladder of Success

Cash a blank card^^

Rubber Bridge.
High stakes.
No Luck.
Opponents just made slam.
Pay up.
Made another game.
Got to Pay.
Oh no!
They just bid grandslam.
And made it!
Pay it again. Slam.

--------------

Dedicated to my love-hate relationship with duplicate bridge. Love it for the challenge, strategy and thrill. Hate it for the stress and the time it sucks away from my other interests. I swear I don't want to play it any more .... but I don't want to play it any less either (groan). 

BTW, Bogie never said "play it again, Sam" in Casablanca (title of feghoot). but Woody Allen, one of my favorite comedians (my favorite is George Carlin) did make a movie of the that name.

Allen: What are you doing Saturday night?

Woman: Committing suicide.

Allen: What about Friday night?

Blue Moo^^

Mad cow disease was spreading fast and the dairy farmers in Austria had to act fast. They buried the dead cows and quarantined all the groaning sick ones.

The ills are Alive with the Sound of Moo Sick.

(The hills are alive with the sound of music)

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Dedicated to the researchers in their never ending fight against the microbes. Will there come a time when a deadly strain will be totally resistant to all our drugs?

Fool's Gold^^^

Conquistador Francisco Pizarro with superior weapons ruthlessly massacred the Incas and looted tons of gold.  The hoard was so great, he could not take it all back in his ships and hid most of it.

Father Samuel got an ancient map during a confession from an explorer who killed an antique dealer and stole it from him. The map led greedy Father Samuel deep into the Andes. At a remote village, he managed to buy a pony and made his final push to an obscure cave. He managed to cleared out some rubble from collapsed passages and there, lo and behold, was Pizarro's treasure!

He fully loaded his pony and started the trek back. Unknown to him, he was being stalked by bandits. Suddenly they made their move. He tried to escape on the pony but it collapsed as it was too overloaded.

Needless to say, he and 
a Full Andes Pony are soon Martyred.

(A fool and his money are soon parted)

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2 dedications this time.

To the destroyed civilizations on every continent throughout history. Aside from the devastating massacre and genocide, the victors also forced their religion, values and culture. So much  interesting, valuable and important knowledge has been wiped out.

Also dedicated to those of us who have lost their hard earned money by lending, investing, giving money or just getting outright cheated  by conmen.  Sweet talkers with get-rich schemes or sad stories are far more effective than the mugger in the street. 

Cat Call^^

The tomcat loved the maid. Unlike previous caretakers, this one was a rare find as she was genuinely fond of him. She always fed him on time, brushed his coat and scratched his cheeks.

Yup, he  became the Fan Tom of the Au Pair rare.

                          (The Phantom of the Opera)

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3 Dedications

To our maids -- they have to leave their husbands, children, family and friends and come to a strange foreign land so they can earn enough to give their loved ones a better life. (yes especially for you Lilik)

To the Musical -- Thank you Andrew Lloyd Webber, Tim Rice, Frederick Loewe, Richard Rodgers, Oscar Hammerstein II,  Schonberg and so many others for enriching our lives, A special mention to my Hongkong Diocesan Boys' School literature teacher Mr, Jacobsen for advising me to always see beyond the main characters and songs.


To my childhood Burmese cats : King and Dylan 

Spirited Away^^^

"I dare you to stay in that haunted mansion at midnight" Timmy challenged Sammy "Ten bucks says you can't"

"I... I'll do it" Sammy stammered

At midnight, a trembling Sammy slowly made his way into the courtyard and waited. It was here 20 years ago that an 8 year old child had fallen off her bicycle. She had hit her head on the concrete floor and died.

Thirty slow minutes ticked away. Suddenly, an apparition materialized. It was a ghostly image of a child cycling! Sammy took out the camera with his jittery hands and clicked. Oh no! He had forgotten to charge the battery! The flash barely came on. The ghost quickly vanished and Sammy ran out.

Sadly, the photo was severely underexposed and nothing could be seen. It seems that the Spirit is Wheeling but the Flash is Weak.

------------------

Dedicated to the ultimate power that controls our behavior and actions. Our Spirit may be willing and our Flesh may be weak but our Brains have the final say.

Oh Sheet^^

The microwave oven is one of the greatest inventions for the kitchen. Nowadays it is integrated with a conventional oven and a fan to distribute the heat evenly.

It came in extra handy last night when my dryer broke down while I was doing my bedsheets.
Yup, dry in just 5 minutes when the Fan Heats the Sheet. 
                                         (when the shit hits the fan)

---------------------------

Dedicated to the Good Ol' Days. How many of us knew then that we were actually living through it? We worried about pimples, grades, scolding from parents, girlfriends/boyfriends and so many things that seem so trivial now.

 

Bee S(t)ing^^^

The Abbot made the decision. The vows of silence in the abbey had to be obeyed, No caroling will be allowed during Christmas ... period.


One monk, who was a beekeeper prior to joining the brotherhood, had an amazing idea. He knew that the "buzz" of each bee was of a different pitch caused by the beat rate of its wings. He wrote to the abbot, "If I could place groups of bees of the same pitch in tiny cages in a row, I may be able to get an octave of frequencies. By carefully agitating these cages in tempo, the bees will fly and their specific buzz will be picked up by microphones and a simple tune will be created."

The abbot gave his approval as animals were outside the scope of the vow of silence.

After weeks of hard work, the bees were ready. Opening night was a "resounding" success as a slow and simple version of "Silent Night" was buzzed out by the little stars!

Everybody agreed that nothing was
more fun than a Carol of Monk Bees.
 (more fun than a barrel of monkeys)

--------------------

Dedicated to my past and present regular bee-ridge partners -- Trevor Li, Ron Savage, Vera Emil, C C Chen, Karol Crouse, Yu Chun Yee, Shamim Moledina, Leonardo, Peter Arnette, Sean Ng. No need to go as far as vows of silence. Just a smile and an occasional kind word goes a long way to make the game so much more enjoyable.

Doggone It^^

Dingos, the wild dogs of Australia, usually hunt in packs, and can even corner and kill a kangaroo. However, if a dingo is on its own, chasing a big prey is futile. It must lie flat and slowly creep up on a rabbit and pounce. End result? Slump Dog Meal on Hare


------------------


Dedicated to Frisky my late Maltese terrier - asked for little, gave so much.
(Yes you can sometimes make a good movie for just $15 million - Slumdog Millionaire)

Bird Droppings^^

Homing pigeons and doves were still in use during WW2 to carry secret messages from behind enemy lines. Of course this method was well-known and there were standing orders to shoot down any homing birds on sight. Some almost made it back across the front line falling into no man's land between the opposing front lines. Soldiers sometimes had to venture yonder into the danger zone to retrieve the messages from the gory bird carcasses that lie there.

In other words, 

Home Gored Doves Lie Yon

(Whom God Loves Die Young)

--------------------------

These famous words of consolation make no sense and insults those who live long good lives. 

For the military to function effectively, no independent thinking is allowed except perhaps at the highest echelon. The rest just follow orders or face a court martial. This feghoot is dedicated to John Lennon who died at 40.

Imagine there's no countries

It isn't hard to do

Nothing to kill or die for

And no religion too

Imagine all the people

Living life in peace

Burning Bush^^^^

"Hey guys" Bush said eagerly "Do I have time to start another war? Huh? Huh?"
 All heads turned to the ceiling.

 "Ok, ok, I get it ... how about some sanctions then ... Huh? Huh? ... our guy in Iraq ... what's his name? ah yes Maliki ... he just got no respect. We made him Prime Minister and the nerve of that guy telling us to set a date for withdrawal .... when the oils runs out, buddy ... when the oil runs out... what an idiot ... yeh ... I want to bar all their exports ... except oil of course ... that will show him who's the boss"

"You should check with Obama before you do anything. Mr. President"

 "What about Burma ... Huh? ... Huh? Everybody hates that country with those suppressive generals in charge. Locking up what's her name ...Sue Me ... uh ... Suu Kyi for so many years and killing those monks ... We can bar the export of their gemstones and whatever other crap they have over there."

 "You should check with Obama before you do anything. Mr. President"

"Ok .. ok .. get him on the line ... he owes me a big one ... he knows damn well that the only reason he got elected was because of me ... yeh ... I know what all of you all are thinking ... but you're wrong ... God told me to create all this mess so that Obama will be elected ... it was God's plan all along and I followed it perfectly ... so there!"

"Obama on the line, sir"

"Hi Barry ... I need to check with you on this .... " and Bush explains his sanction plans.
"So Barry ..." he whispers "I'll look like a lame duck if I don't do something ... you owe me Barry ... please Barry ... please .... ok then, at least say your name ... why? ... no reason at all ... just say your name ...PLEASE JUST SAY YOUR NAME WILL YOU! ... thanks Barry ... bye bye"

"What did he say, sir?" a general asked.

With a smile, Bush replied "Bar Iraq or Burma"
                                               (Barack Obama)
-----------------------
Dedicated to Pres Obama. A historic win must be followed by a historic change to the massive damage that has been done -- wars, economy, environment for starters.

(thanks Shaan for helping me on the rhyming of Barack to Iraq)

You Can't Beat This^^

Convicted vandal, Michael Fay stood before the court. "12 strokes of the cane" uttered the Singapore judge. This is not the kid stuff caning you get from your dad. This official punishment uses a half inch rattan rod, dipped in antiseptic and administered by one tough dude.


The time had come. Michael was strapped and bent over a wooden frame with his bare buttocks exposed. Adjacent parts of his body were padded to prevent accidental injury and a doctor was present. But this is small consolation.


Whack whack whack whack whack whack whack whack whack whack whack whack
.... but the screams from the agony were much louder. Blood flowed down his legs from his torn skin and raw muscles.


Some of the headlines in the papers the next day ...
Hit Dozen; Pain Butt; Hit Raws.
(It doesn't rain but it pours)


-----------------------------------------------






Dedicated to all the mental and physical sufferers of torture -- Abu Ghraib, Guantanamo Bay, Nazi Concentration Camps, Spanish Inquisition and countless others throughout history. Can a 1st world country like Singapore still keep 3rd world punishment? When will the politicians see the difficulty?


What makes an ordinary Joe, when put in a position of power, becomes pure evil?
Based on scientific studies, the "enemy" is dehumanized and holds wrong and dangerous ideologies and values. Therefore the abuse is rationalized, self-justified and reinforced by the herd mentality of his fellow torturers. Besides, "I was only following orders".

Alternative Mad is Son^^^^

"By pricking these needles into your ear lobes, face, limbs and body, the bad Qi (pronounced Chee) energy will flow out" the acupuncturist explained


"Yes, yes, yes ... I'm feeling better already" said Sonny


"I can feel your damaged heart getting stronger" he continued with his hands just above Sonny's chest "the negative Qi is coming out through your chest, through my fingers and out forever."


"Yes I feel the tingle ... it's wonderful"


He then placed a lit prayer candle on Sonny's chest, sprinkled holy water, spread a little sacred soil and tied a string around his chest. He then blew gently.


"Now the incoming Qi has been altered, strengthened and made good by the 4 elements -- fire, water, earth and wind -- and I have tied the string to keep the 4 altered Qi in your chest and heart. Keep the string tied tightly and come back next week. Do you feel the power?"


"Yes I do ... and the warmth ... and the energy ... I feel great"


Sonny happily paid the $500 as he walked out of the crowded clinic. It was a fantastic deal! A risky bypass operation would have cost him over ten grand, lots of pain and laid up for weeks. Now there was a spring to his walk because of the altered good four Qi energy flowing through his heart.


He entered his condo lobby and, casting a smile at the elevator, he headed for the stairs to scamper up the few flights to his apartment. He never made it. A massive fatal heart attack stopped him just short.
Not Four Alter Qi in Tie? Nah.
(Not for all the tea in China)
-----------------


Dedicated to P. T. Barnum. He must be laughing from his grave knowing that in spite of advances in science, a good understanding of the Placebo effect and widespread education, suckers are still being born -- not every minute -- but every second. "Alternative" medicine (title of feghoot) is a misnomer -- it is either "evidence based" or "non-evidence based". Put my health in the hands of quacks? Not for all the tea in China.

Stern -- Boned Turds^^^^

Far out at sea, everything was calm. The sun was setting and the sea birds were gracefully circling and diving for fish. A lone speedboat was heading towards an obscure beach. But something fishy was going on and it was definitely not the fish. On board were a gang of drug smugglers with their illicit hoard of cocaine and crack.


Suddenly 3 speedboats from the Coast Guard were spotted racing towards them. Panic ensued but the professional smugglers managed to throw the drugs overboard just in time. Without evidence, no arrests could be made, but the smugglers also lost millions by dumping their cargo.


The only "winners" seem to be the sea birds. They were now flying erratically and seem to prefer drinking sea water to catching fish!


No doubt about it. No Tern was Left Un-stoned.
                            (No Stone was Left Unturned)


----------------------


Dedicated to the wonders of world pay ... uh ... word play. For without Spoonerisms and Puns there could not be a Feghoot. Thank you Denis Norden and Frank Muir from the BBC Radio Show "My Word" for opening my ears to a whole new dimension of humor. If anyone knows how to contact these people or their family (FM is dead), let me know. I want to send them a note.


I was dormant for 40 years but am now catching up on tossed lime.


I have heard the punch line before although I am not sure where, but I am certain the story is original and so is the Spoonerist title.
(Title : Tern -- Stoned Birds)

Hart & Sole^^^

Bambi had grown into a fine stag but his problems just don't seem to end. This time the love of his life was shot during hunting season leaving Bambi broken-harted (groan). To quell his grief and loneliness, he bought an aquarium to rear some fish. He decided on the sole because of their unusual characteristics. As fingerlings, they look quite ordinary but slowly their eyes migrate to the same side of their head and they eventually become flatfish typical of their species.


It isn't unusual that Bambi should have this hobby. After all, Abstinence makes the Hart grow Flounder.
(Absence makes the Heart grow Fonder)


----------------------
Dedicated to Charles Darwin and Alfred Russel Wallace. The concept of Natural Selection acting on genetic drifts has been thoroughly verified via DNA analysis, observation, selective breeding, fossil record and much more. But as everyone knows, a mountain of evidence is totally useless against blind faith.