Horsing Around^

I love horses and I love parades! When the two come together ... wow.
For the Mardi Gras, our polo club was asked to contribute a float. We had to decorate ourselves and our horses with colourful flowers and ribbons and bows on the saddle, reins, stirrups and all over the horse. We also had to display a sign denoting our club's name. Some would put on their saddles, some wear that on their clothes, and Some Wear Over The Rein Bow.
      (somewhere over the rainbow)
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Dedicated to all the horses we had owned -- Ivory Princess, Bearer Bond, Bonus Bond (what a beauty!) and Amaan.
Israel "IZ" Kamakawiwoʻole version with the ukelele was played at when I walked Shaan down the aisle in Bali towards Jeremy. Unique and wonderful. "And the dream that you dare to, why,  oh why can't I?"

Footloose^

After Sam's trip to Bali, he was fascinated with the exotic "bamboo dance." The performance had 2 men clapping long bamboo poles close to the floor while 2 women stepped in and out of the poles to the rhythm of the music.


Back home, he tried out the dance with a couple of his friends using cue sticks. Needless to say, the whole thing was a fiasco with Sam getting his feet whacked by the sticks over and over again. It only goes to show that you shouldn't jump the cue.
                                                           (jump the queue)


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Dedicated to my 2 left feet which have deprived me of my love of dancing. So unfair. (my singing voice sucks too).

Ghosts to Hell^^

The spirits were restless. They were told by the top honcho (Holy Ghost) that they must wear clothes when they haunt people so as to not offend their modesty while scaring them to death! Two macho souls protested against the directive and set fire to a garment factory in protest.
 In the Spirit Times the next day, the headlines screamed ---
"Two Manly Spooks Broil the Cloth"
(Too Many Cooks Spoil the Broth - tri-Spooner of C, Sp & Br)
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Dedicated to the Skeptics and Rationalists everywhere. A fragile flame providing light in a world dominated Supernatural Beliefs and Superstition.

J. R. R. Tolk-Inn^

Frodo and Samwise made use of their travel experience to open a chain of hotels throughout Middle Earth. Such was their quality and value that people would Laud of their Inns.
                                     (Lord of the Rings)
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Dedicated to all those who are young at heart and manage to retain their love of fantasy and wonder throughout their lives.

My 'air Lady^

Prof. Henry Higgins took Eliza Doolittle to his mother’s house for high tea where he offered the cockney girl some ham sandwiches. When Eliza later recounted the event to Henry’s high society friends, there was some confusion. As she dropped all the “h”s, they were under the impression that she went to
‘am ‘igh tea.
(MIT ham high tea)
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A short feghoot with 2 long dedications ... sorry
Dedicated to my Alma Mater, MIT. Thanks for a great education and lots of fun. Too bad universities don’t teach you to be smart. You need the streets for that.


Dedicated to my HongKong Diocesan Boys' School Literature teacher, Mr. Jacobsen, who "taught" me how to watch movies (and applicable to people, places and everything in life too I guess)! Don't just look at the stars and the main songs. Look deeply where very few do -- the costumes, the background, the extras, the background music. "Go see My Fair Lady again with this in mind" he said.

Time for Flying^^

It was a long hot summer at the home for retarded children. Howard, as usual, was sitting by the open window which, of course, had a screen to keep the bugs out. Occasionally, a bug would land on the screen and crawl around looking for a way in. Actually, there was a small tear on the bottom left corner and a bug would eventually find it and fly in. Howard found great amusement checking on his watch to see how long it took an insect to find the gap.

To the care-givers, it looked like Howard as was totally nuts. Here he was looking up, looking at his watch, looking up again and repeating this all day. Little did they know that ... How Time Flies


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Dedicated to mentally handicapped who have been unfairly cheated of a life and my father, Adam, who was chairman of the Tampines Home for Retarded Children for many years.

All the thyme in the World^^

Ghosts are weird, as everyone knows. They mess up ordinary houses and still continue to stay there instead of 5-star hotel suites or Bill Gate’s mansion.


What people don’t know is that these spirits do get hungry as haunting is clearly an exhausting activity…. you know … moving things around, flying about.


Being ghosts and all, it is easy to get money to purchase any amount of food, but they eat just one type of herb! And even then, only if it is delivered by a donkey! Like I said, they are weird!


In other words, Ass Thyme Ghosts Buy
                        (as time goes by)


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Dedicated to all the delusionists of the world who give their time and money to fortune tellers, priests, mediums and other paranormal charlatans.

I Kneed You^^

Alma twisted her knee while skiing. Her husband, Zane, took her to the nearest clinic which was jam-packed with patients. After a long agonising wait, she finally got to see the doctor. As expected, he took a quick look, applied some lotion and wrapped the knee in a small sling --- all in 5 minutes!


Needless to say, it was a sloppy rush job and as soon as she entered the lobby of her hotel, the wrapping was loose. People watched as Zane carefully removed the bandage and very gently re-wrapped the knee. The feelings Zane had for Alma was there for all to see because


Love is Alma Knee's Tender Sling

(Love is a many splendoured thing)


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Dedicated to my dearest Almas  and to the emotion that causes the greatest happiness and pain -- love.

Ant that the Truth^^^

It is truly facinating to see an ant colony in action. Always busy digging wells and tunnels and hunting for food to feed the colony.


Unfortunately, one group of ants were tunnelling a new living quarters near an oil field. The ground beneath was somewhat weakened by the digging and the oil started to seep out through the holes. This drowned most of the colony. Basically what happened was that


Oil swell that Ant's Well.
(Alls well that Ends Well)
-----------------------------


Dedicated to the commodity that controls our lives and make nations invade and destroy others -- oil.

As easy as C C C^

"But you have everything!" his friend said


"I still think I am missing something!" the billionaire replied.


"Well you have condominiums, culture, cars, club memberships, children and tons of cash -- what else could you want?"


"Not sure, but I always thought there were seven Cs"
                                                                    (7 seas)


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Dedicated to Shawn, my ex-bridge partner and a sailor in the navy.

Bare Necessities^^

Did you hear about the beautiful magician's assistant who was found dead with just her brassiere on?


It was A Bra Cadaver.
(Abracadabra)
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Dedicated to CSI (Crime Scene Investigation) -- where an ounce of fact outweighs a mountain of eye witnesses.

Perfect Timing^^^^

Albert Einstein was a great physicist and peace activist but it has now come to light that he also believed in the occult pseudoscience of numerology.


While pouring over his space-time relativity equations in 1933, he decided to plug in his personal details ... and lo and behold ... a disturbing result turned up. He was going to die on 15th March 1935! He rechecked it a few times but there was no mistake.


The genius pondered over the greatest problem he had ever encountered and finally figured out that there was a small chance he could actually avoid the Ides of March and with it, the wrath of fate!


His plan was simple in concept but difficult in practice. He would hire a plane and take off from the western tip of Alaska just before midnight on 14th March. He would then fly across the Bering Straits towards the USSR. If he could time it exactly (remember there were no GPS those days), he would cross the International Date Line exactly at midnight and therefore go directly into March 16th!


The critical time finally arrived and guess what? Sad to disappoint all you action movies junkies, but everything went off exactly as planned! Yawn!


Well it had to be, you see, everybody knows that


"A Niche in Time Saves 'Stein"
(a stitch in time saves nine)


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2 Dedications:
To Albert Einstein for heralding in the new era of physics. Needless to say, he hardly believed in organised religion, let alone numerology.
To Isaac Asimov (who wrote a feghoot with this identical pun(ch) line) for countless hours of wonder.

Against the Odds^

"I tell you that there is no one in our senior class who weighs 60 kilos" insisted Al


"Well it says right here in the newsletter that that is the mean weight" countered Beth.


"Don't you see" explained Al "that the mean weight of men is about 70 kilos and the mean weight of women is about 50 kilos. By mixing all the data together, they came up with a meaningless figure of 60 kilos."


"Oh yes, I understand it now" Beth said " Now I know what they mean by the Flaw of Averages"


-------------------


Dedicated to Mathematics. Like many kids, I started with Pi and then to i, e and phi and feel the unique combination of beauty and truth. I am truly previledged.
I spent no time studying Math and I aced it but spent tons of time on French and barely scraped through. This must mean the more you study the worse your grades. Another example on how statistics can lie.

Flying Carpets^^^

Hurricane Katrina lashed out her anger on New Orleans as she left a trail of destruction in her wake. Houses wrecked, trees uprooted, lives lost. Peeping out of my house, I saw Katrina completely destroy my garage and smashed open my car. I just couldn't believe it as I saw padding from the seats and fragments of the car window being blown away. All 4 of my car rugs were spinning wildly in the gale. It was surely a mat mat mat mat whirl.


--------------------------------------


Dedicated to the victims of hurricanes and typhoons everywhere in this mad mad mad mad world. Can't these countries see that the Kyoto Protocol to control greenhouse gases and global warming needs to be signed by every nation and thoroughly enforced. Otherwise things can only get worse.

S-tressed Out^^^^

Mary had long beautiful curly locks but peer pressure dictated that it was fashionable to have totally straight hair. To have her hair ironed and pressed by professionals was pretty expensive but she found a compromise solution. She went to a hairdresser's school where girl trainees would do her hair for half the cost.
Big mistake! Her hair was badly burnt and she had to buy a wig to hide the damage. Needless to say, she was the laughing stock of all her so-called friends.
Something just snapped within her. She swore revenge and began a kidnapping spree against all the hairdressers at the school. Over a period of a year, one by one, she would knock them out with chloroform and then sell them off to pimps in the sex trade.
When she was finally caught, she was taken to the FBI headquarters and interrogated. She was asked where she got such a bizarre idea. "No big deal" she replied, "I see the signboards telling me what to do everywhere."

"And what signboard is that?" the Interrogator asked.

"Just like the one outside this building," she smiled
"Tress Pressers will be Prostituted"
(Trespasser will be Prosecuted)
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Dedicated to all the abused children -- perhaps externally wounded but all mentally scarred for life.
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