Did you hear about the beautiful magician's assistant who was found dead with just her brassiere on?
It was A Bra Cadaver.
(Abracadabra)
---------------------------
Dedicated to CSI (Crime Scene Investigation) -- where an ounce of fact outweighs a mountain of eye witnesses.
Friday, April 28, 2006
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
Perfect Timing^^^^
Albert Einstein was a great physicist and peace activist but it has now come to light that he also believed in the occult pseudoscience of numerology.
While pouring over his space-time relativity equations in 1933, he decided to plug in his personal details ... and lo and behold ... a disturbing result turned up. He was going to die on 15th March 1935! He rechecked it a few times but there was no mistake.
The genius pondered over the greatest problem he had ever encountered and finally figured out that there was a small chance he could actually avoid the Ides of March and with it, the wrath of fate!
His plan was simple in concept but difficult in practice. He would hire a plane and take off from the western tip of Alaska just before midnight on 14th March. He would then fly across the Bering Straits towards the USSR. If he could time it exactly (remember there were no GPS those days), he would cross the International Date Line exactly at midnight and therefore go directly into March 16th!
The critical time finally arrived and guess what? Sad to disappoint all you action movies junkies, but everything went off exactly as planned! Yawn!
Well it had to be, you see, everybody knows that
"A Niche in Time Saves 'Stein"
(a stitch in time saves nine)
-------------
2 Dedications:
To Albert Einstein for heralding in the new era of physics. Needless to say, he hardly believed in organised religion, let alone numerology.
To Isaac Asimov (who wrote a feghoot with this identical pun(ch) line) for countless hours of wonder.
While pouring over his space-time relativity equations in 1933, he decided to plug in his personal details ... and lo and behold ... a disturbing result turned up. He was going to die on 15th March 1935! He rechecked it a few times but there was no mistake.
The genius pondered over the greatest problem he had ever encountered and finally figured out that there was a small chance he could actually avoid the Ides of March and with it, the wrath of fate!
His plan was simple in concept but difficult in practice. He would hire a plane and take off from the western tip of Alaska just before midnight on 14th March. He would then fly across the Bering Straits towards the USSR. If he could time it exactly (remember there were no GPS those days), he would cross the International Date Line exactly at midnight and therefore go directly into March 16th!
The critical time finally arrived and guess what? Sad to disappoint all you action movies junkies, but everything went off exactly as planned! Yawn!
Well it had to be, you see, everybody knows that
"A Niche in Time Saves 'Stein"
(a stitch in time saves nine)
-------------
2 Dedications:
To Albert Einstein for heralding in the new era of physics. Needless to say, he hardly believed in organised religion, let alone numerology.
To Isaac Asimov (who wrote a feghoot with this identical pun(ch) line) for countless hours of wonder.
Friday, February 17, 2006
Against the Odds^
"I tell you that there is no one in our senior class who weighs 60 kilos" insisted Al
"Well it says right here in the newsletter that that is the mean weight" countered Beth.
"Don't you see" explained Al "that the mean weight of men is about 70 kilos and the mean weight of women is about 50 kilos. By mixing all the data together, they came up with a meaningless figure of 60 kilos."
"Oh yes, I understand it now" Beth said " Now I know what they mean by the Flaw of Averages"
-------------------
Dedicated to Mathematics. Like many kids, I started with Pi and then to i, e and phi and feel the unique combination of beauty and truth. I am truly previledged.
I spent no time studying Math and I aced it but spent tons of time on French and barely scraped through. This must mean the more you study the worse your grades. Another example on how statistics can lie.
"Well it says right here in the newsletter that that is the mean weight" countered Beth.
"Don't you see" explained Al "that the mean weight of men is about 70 kilos and the mean weight of women is about 50 kilos. By mixing all the data together, they came up with a meaningless figure of 60 kilos."
"Oh yes, I understand it now" Beth said " Now I know what they mean by the Flaw of Averages"
-------------------
Dedicated to Mathematics. Like many kids, I started with Pi and then to i, e and phi and feel the unique combination of beauty and truth. I am truly previledged.
I spent no time studying Math and I aced it but spent tons of time on French and barely scraped through. This must mean the more you study the worse your grades. Another example on how statistics can lie.
Thursday, September 22, 2005
Flying Carpets^^^
Hurricane Katrina lashed out her anger on New Orleans as she left a trail of destruction in her wake. Houses wrecked, trees uprooted, lives lost. Peeping out of my house, I saw Katrina completely destroy my garage and smashed open my car. I just couldn't believe it as I saw padding from the seats and fragments of the car window being blown away. All 4 of my car rugs were spinning wildly in the gale. It was surely a mat mat mat mat whirl.
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Dedicated to the victims of hurricanes and typhoons everywhere in this mad mad mad mad world. Can't these countries see that the Kyoto Protocol to control greenhouse gases and global warming needs to be signed by every nation and thoroughly enforced. Otherwise things can only get worse.
--------------------------------------
Dedicated to the victims of hurricanes and typhoons everywhere in this mad mad mad mad world. Can't these countries see that the Kyoto Protocol to control greenhouse gases and global warming needs to be signed by every nation and thoroughly enforced. Otherwise things can only get worse.
Monday, June 27, 2005
S-tressed Out^^^^
Mary had long beautiful curly locks but peer pressure dictated that it was fashionable to have totally straight hair. To have her hair ironed and pressed by professionals was pretty expensive but she found a compromise solution. She went to a hairdresser's school where girl trainees would do her hair for half the cost.
Big mistake! Her hair was badly burnt and she had to buy a wig to hide the damage. Needless to say, she was the laughing stock of all her so-called friends.
Something just snapped within her. She swore revenge and began a kidnapping spree against all the hairdressers at the school. Over a period of a year, one by one, she would knock them out with chloroform and then sell them off to pimps in the sex trade.
When she was finally caught, she was taken to the FBI headquarters and interrogated. She was asked where she got such a bizarre idea. "No big deal" she replied, "I see the signboards telling me what to do everywhere."
"And what signboard is that?" the Interrogator asked.
"Just like the one outside this building," she smiled
"Tress Pressers will be Prostituted"
(Trespasser will be Prosecuted)
----------------
Dedicated to all the abused children -- perhaps externally wounded but all mentally scarred for life.
----------------
Big mistake! Her hair was badly burnt and she had to buy a wig to hide the damage. Needless to say, she was the laughing stock of all her so-called friends.
Something just snapped within her. She swore revenge and began a kidnapping spree against all the hairdressers at the school. Over a period of a year, one by one, she would knock them out with chloroform and then sell them off to pimps in the sex trade.
When she was finally caught, she was taken to the FBI headquarters and interrogated. She was asked where she got such a bizarre idea. "No big deal" she replied, "I see the signboards telling me what to do everywhere."
"And what signboard is that?" the Interrogator asked.
"Just like the one outside this building," she smiled
"Tress Pressers will be Prostituted"
(Trespasser will be Prosecuted)
----------------
Dedicated to all the abused children -- perhaps externally wounded but all mentally scarred for life.
----------------
Fruitility^
The durian seller is a master of the sleight of hand. No matter how carefully you watch him pack your fruits, he still manages to sneak in a rotten one.
In other words, there is "All Lice in one Durian".
(Alice in Wonderland)
-----------------------
Dedicated to the King of Fruits -- the Durian and Lewis Carroll. So is it aroma de heaven or just eating custard in the toilet? Only the Cheshire Cat nose.
In other words, there is "All Lice in one Durian".
(Alice in Wonderland)
-----------------------
Dedicated to the King of Fruits -- the Durian and Lewis Carroll. So is it aroma de heaven or just eating custard in the toilet? Only the Cheshire Cat nose.
Sunday, June 19, 2005
Fly Away Peter, Fly Away Appall^^
Not sure where 8 year old Peter got his nasty streak, but he sure took out his meanness on his little sister and the animals around him.
Kicking and stoning cats and dogs was a daily affair. Others were really gross.
Just the other day, he put some butter on the garbage can and watched the flies gorge on it. When they could no longer fly, he then took a sewing needle and pierced the whole lot of them into a necklace. When he garlanded his sister, you should have heard her scream.
"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE, PETER!!" she yelled.
"Bloat like a Butter Fly. String like a Bead" he replied honestly
(float like a butterfly, sting like a bee)
----------------------
Dedicated to Mohammad Ali for a riveting performance both inside and outside the ring.
Kicking and stoning cats and dogs was a daily affair. Others were really gross.
Just the other day, he put some butter on the garbage can and watched the flies gorge on it. When they could no longer fly, he then took a sewing needle and pierced the whole lot of them into a necklace. When he garlanded his sister, you should have heard her scream.
"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE, PETER!!" she yelled.
"Bloat like a Butter Fly. String like a Bead" he replied honestly
(float like a butterfly, sting like a bee)
----------------------
Dedicated to Mohammad Ali for a riveting performance both inside and outside the ring.
The Bitch is Back^^^^
Susan was an only child and a rebel. Her aristocratic upbringing could not hold back her anti-social behavior and at the age of fifteen she promptly left her family to join the Hell's Angels, roaming the country on her stolen Harley.
One day a lawyer tracked her down. He told her that her father had passed away. In his will, he had left her his multi-million dollar inheritance on condition that she give up her wild ways and return to her duty as the last living heir of the family.
As this story is not a fairy tale, needless to say, she complied and lived happily ever after in wealth and luxury.
As there are not too many ways to spend your time when you don't need to work, she wrote a book on her exploits and her eventual return as heir to the estate. The name of the book?
"The Bitch Biker's Ride to the Legacy"
(Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)
---------------------
Dedicated to the late Douglas Adams - a imaginative humour writer without equal. Thank you for your "trilogy" of 6 books and no thanks for the pathetic movie and all the fish.
One day a lawyer tracked her down. He told her that her father had passed away. In his will, he had left her his multi-million dollar inheritance on condition that she give up her wild ways and return to her duty as the last living heir of the family.
As this story is not a fairy tale, needless to say, she complied and lived happily ever after in wealth and luxury.
As there are not too many ways to spend your time when you don't need to work, she wrote a book on her exploits and her eventual return as heir to the estate. The name of the book?
"The Bitch Biker's Ride to the Legacy"
(Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)
---------------------
Dedicated to the late Douglas Adams - a imaginative humour writer without equal. Thank you for your "trilogy" of 6 books and no thanks for the pathetic movie and all the fish.
Sunday, June 05, 2005
Whale of a Wave^^
Who can forget that amazing scene from David Attenboriugh's Life on Earth where the orcas would glide to the shore at high tide to catch the hapless seals.
The most famous of all the orcas is, of course, Shamu, currently entertaining thousands at San Diego's Sea World. Undoubtedly tamed, but accidents can easily occur when dealing with a multi-ton beast.
Just the other day, a trainer was badly hurt when Shamu accidentally scraped his arm with its teeth. After being rescued, he angrily shouted, "I am going to sue everybody for this. The management, the company, the .... "
"Take it easy" his boss replied, "you signed an indemnity form when you took this job to exclude any work related injury.
"You cannot sue many as it was a tidal whale.
(ok, ok a little contrived -- "sue many" for Tsunami and "tidal whale" for tidal wave is definitely pushing it.)
--------------------
"I complained I had no shoes until I saw a man with no feet." -- Sayings of the Buddha
Dedicated to the victims of the Great Sumatran Tsunami of 26 Dec 2004
The most famous of all the orcas is, of course, Shamu, currently entertaining thousands at San Diego's Sea World. Undoubtedly tamed, but accidents can easily occur when dealing with a multi-ton beast.
Just the other day, a trainer was badly hurt when Shamu accidentally scraped his arm with its teeth. After being rescued, he angrily shouted, "I am going to sue everybody for this. The management, the company, the .... "
"Take it easy" his boss replied, "you signed an indemnity form when you took this job to exclude any work related injury.
"You cannot sue many as it was a tidal whale.
(ok, ok a little contrived -- "sue many" for Tsunami and "tidal whale" for tidal wave is definitely pushing it.)
--------------------
"I complained I had no shoes until I saw a man with no feet." -- Sayings of the Buddha
Dedicated to the victims of the Great Sumatran Tsunami of 26 Dec 2004
Friday, May 20, 2005
The Fellowship of the BoRing^
People who say that The Lord of the Rings is the best movie of all time are just Tolkien nonsense.
----------------
Dedicated to J R R Tolkien, Isaac Asimov, Arthur C Clark -- the authors who filled introverted kids like myself with wonder and imagination.
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Dedicated to J R R Tolkien, Isaac Asimov, Arthur C Clark -- the authors who filled introverted kids like myself with wonder and imagination.
Monday, March 21, 2005
Tennis Zero^^
Robin Gibb was a great singer and composer for the Bee Gees but was under the illusion that he could play great tennis as well. While he could easily beat the locals at his club, he really wanted to prove to everyone that he could beat the professionals as well.
His brother, Barry, tried discourage him but to no avail. Robin put up the money and challenged Andre Agassi to a one-to-one match for a million dollars to the winner. This was, of course, readily accepted.
As the game progressed, the score went from 15-Love, 30-Love, 40-Love, Game, 15-Love, 30-Love, 40-Love, Game, 15-Love, 30-Love, 40-Love, Game and on and on. Barry just could not bear to watch Andre massacre his brother and left the court after the first set. When he estimated that the match would be about over, he felt that he had to call up Robin to console him and to find out if he had managed to score any points at all against Andre. He knew that Robin will be feeling down and he had to be tactful in his question. He dialed Robin and asked, “How Deep is your Love”.
--------------
Dedicated to the #1 Bee Gees fan in Singapore and ex-army buddy, Kanan. (I told you I would make a feghoot out of it!)
His brother, Barry, tried discourage him but to no avail. Robin put up the money and challenged Andre Agassi to a one-to-one match for a million dollars to the winner. This was, of course, readily accepted.
As the game progressed, the score went from 15-Love, 30-Love, 40-Love, Game, 15-Love, 30-Love, 40-Love, Game, 15-Love, 30-Love, 40-Love, Game and on and on. Barry just could not bear to watch Andre massacre his brother and left the court after the first set. When he estimated that the match would be about over, he felt that he had to call up Robin to console him and to find out if he had managed to score any points at all against Andre. He knew that Robin will be feeling down and he had to be tactful in his question. He dialed Robin and asked, “How Deep is your Love”.
--------------
Dedicated to the #1 Bee Gees fan in Singapore and ex-army buddy, Kanan. (I told you I would make a feghoot out of it!)
Sunday, March 20, 2005
Mick’s Mix Motive^^^
People were getting increasingly skeptical of organised religion and the effect was plain for all to see, especially in Western Europe. Only a few people regularly attended the churches, mosques, temples and synagogues. With such poor attendance, it was inevitable that many had to be closed down and sold at rock bottom prices due to oversupply. Rich and famous musicians were keen to buy up such properties for a song (no pun intended) as tax shelters. They could also use the hall for rehearsals, performances and (heaven forbid!) parties while waiting for the prices to recover.
A nosy reporter happened to investigate Mick Jagger’s purchases and found out that he had bought several churches, temples and synagogues but not a single mosque. Strangely enough, neither did Keith Richards and the rest of the band members.
The mystery was finally solved when the reporter managed to corner Mick one day and asked him why this was so.
“It no secret” replied Mick “Everybody knows A Rolling Stone Gathers No Mosques.”
(a rolling stone gathers no moss)
--------------
Dedicated to freethinkers of the world and the fantastic The Rolling Stones...a concert I can never forget!
A nosy reporter happened to investigate Mick Jagger’s purchases and found out that he had bought several churches, temples and synagogues but not a single mosque. Strangely enough, neither did Keith Richards and the rest of the band members.
The mystery was finally solved when the reporter managed to corner Mick one day and asked him why this was so.
“It no secret” replied Mick “Everybody knows A Rolling Stone Gathers No Mosques.”
(a rolling stone gathers no moss)
--------------
Dedicated to freethinkers of the world and the fantastic The Rolling Stones...a concert I can never forget!
Thursday, March 17, 2005
First Cut is the Deepest^^^^
At last, the true story how Heather McCartney lost her leg.
Very few people know that Paul McCartney was an amateur magician and Heather was his assistant. While he was not composing or performing with the Beatles, he use to do his magic show at charities and parties and always got a polite applause so as to not hurt his feelings.
Unfortunately, Paul really began to believe that he was great and requested his professional illusionist friend David Copperfield to watch and comment on his illusions. Paul did his usual boring tricks and as a grand finale, did the “sawing the lady in half” illusion.
David honestly told him that all his tricks were quite standard and to be a good magician he had to do the tricks differently.
“What do you mean?” asked Paul angrily
“Say, for example, can you saw Heather in the upright position rather than the normal reclining position?” asked David
“Of course, I can saw her upright”
“No you cannot, Heather will not be able to squeeze into half the box while upright” said David.
“Nonsense”
“I challenge you to do it”
“No problem. Heather come here! Put the box upright and get in.”
“I dare you”
“Just watch me. Hand me the saw”
Paul proceeded to do the illusion and we all know what happened to poor Heather's leg. Paul felt so guilty that he gave up magic and he eventually married Heather when his wife Linda died.
You will not find this incident in any Beatles archives, but Paul wrote a song about it. You see, he called the fateful challenge as the “I saw her standing” dare.
--------------
Dedicated to the Beatles who revolutionised pop music and made our lives so much richer. Also to to the great magicians -- Houdini, David Copperfield -- who earn an honest living with their illusions instead of the "psychic" charlatans who give people false hope and con them of ther money.
Very few people know that Paul McCartney was an amateur magician and Heather was his assistant. While he was not composing or performing with the Beatles, he use to do his magic show at charities and parties and always got a polite applause so as to not hurt his feelings.
Unfortunately, Paul really began to believe that he was great and requested his professional illusionist friend David Copperfield to watch and comment on his illusions. Paul did his usual boring tricks and as a grand finale, did the “sawing the lady in half” illusion.
David honestly told him that all his tricks were quite standard and to be a good magician he had to do the tricks differently.
“What do you mean?” asked Paul angrily
“Say, for example, can you saw Heather in the upright position rather than the normal reclining position?” asked David
“Of course, I can saw her upright”
“No you cannot, Heather will not be able to squeeze into half the box while upright” said David.
“Nonsense”
“I challenge you to do it”
“No problem. Heather come here! Put the box upright and get in.”
“I dare you”
“Just watch me. Hand me the saw”
Paul proceeded to do the illusion and we all know what happened to poor Heather's leg. Paul felt so guilty that he gave up magic and he eventually married Heather when his wife Linda died.
You will not find this incident in any Beatles archives, but Paul wrote a song about it. You see, he called the fateful challenge as the “I saw her standing” dare.
--------------
Dedicated to the Beatles who revolutionised pop music and made our lives so much richer. Also to to the great magicians -- Houdini, David Copperfield -- who earn an honest living with their illusions instead of the "psychic" charlatans who give people false hope and con them of ther money.
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
Un-Bear-able^^^
Once upon a time, in the merry old days of King Arthur, Sir Lancelot the Valiant and Sir George the Dragon Slayer, there lived a brave knight called Sir Valentine. These days of yore still had a phase between friendship and love and many a brave knight traveled the countryside on their trusty steed to court fair maidens. While Sir Valentine had all the attributes expected of a knight, he had one minor flaw. He had a weak bladder. Whenever he started to court a lady, the inevitable would happen.
Needless to say, the sight of urine flowing down his leg was a real turn off (or whatever the term they used in those days). Soon the ladies would giggle to each other whenever he approached to court them. It was sad to see such a perfect knight ruined by such a minor flaw and to go down in history being known only by his nickname---
"Pee knee the Woo"
(Winnie the Pooh)
--------------
Dedicated to my daughter Shazeen’s favorite cartoon character.
Needless to say, the sight of urine flowing down his leg was a real turn off (or whatever the term they used in those days). Soon the ladies would giggle to each other whenever he approached to court them. It was sad to see such a perfect knight ruined by such a minor flaw and to go down in history being known only by his nickname---
"Pee knee the Woo"
(Winnie the Pooh)
--------------
Dedicated to my daughter Shazeen’s favorite cartoon character.
Down and Out^^
Not easy being a food server in a restaurant these days. Gone are the days when all you needed to do was smile, talk politely and take the order. Nowadays you have to help out in the kitchen and even move furniture. Just the other day, my boss asked me to move the refrigerator and I, like an idiot, decided to do it myself to impress the boss. What was I thinking!
You can imagine what happened. A sharp pain raced through my groin. I bent over and collapsed with the damn thing on top of me.
Just Like a Fridge over Doubled Waiter.
(Just like Bridge over Troubled Water)
-----------
Dedicated to my favorite game - Bridge
You can imagine what happened. A sharp pain raced through my groin. I bent over and collapsed with the damn thing on top of me.
Just Like a Fridge over Doubled Waiter.
(Just like Bridge over Troubled Water)
-----------
Dedicated to my favorite game - Bridge
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