Alternative Mad is Son^^^^

"By pricking these needles into your ear lobes, face, limbs and body, the bad Qi (pronounced Chee) energy will flow out" the acupuncturist explained


"Yes, yes, yes ... I'm feeling better already" said Sonny


"I can feel your damaged heart getting stronger" he continued with his hands just above Sonny's chest "the negative Qi is coming out through your chest, through my fingers and out forever."


"Yes I feel the tingle ... it's wonderful"


He then placed a lit prayer candle on Sonny's chest, sprinkled holy water, spread a little sacred soil and tied a string around his chest. He then blew gently.


"Now the incoming Qi has been altered, strengthened and made good by the 4 elements -- fire, water, earth and wind -- and I have tied the string to keep the 4 altered Qi in your chest and heart. Keep the string tied tightly and come back next week. Do you feel the power?"


"Yes I do ... and the warmth ... and the energy ... I feel great"


Sonny happily paid the $500 as he walked out of the crowded clinic. It was a fantastic deal! A risky bypass operation would have cost him over ten grand, lots of pain and laid up for weeks. Now there was a spring to his walk because of the altered good four Qi energy flowing through his heart.


He entered his condo lobby and, casting a smile at the elevator, he headed for the stairs to scamper up the few flights to his apartment. He never made it. A massive fatal heart attack stopped him just short.
Not Four Alter Qi in Tie? Nah.
(Not for all the tea in China)
-----------------


Dedicated to P. T. Barnum. He must be laughing from his grave knowing that in spite of advances in science, a good understanding of the Placebo effect and widespread education, suckers are still being born -- not every minute -- but every second. "Alternative" medicine (title of feghoot) is a misnomer -- it is either "evidence based" or "non-evidence based". Put my health in the hands of quacks? Not for all the tea in China.

Stern -- Boned Turds^^^^

Far out at sea, everything was calm. The sun was setting and the sea birds were gracefully circling and diving for fish. A lone speedboat was heading towards an obscure beach. But something fishy was going on and it was definitely not the fish. On board were a gang of drug smugglers with their illicit hoard of cocaine and crack.


Suddenly 3 speedboats from the Coast Guard were spotted racing towards them. Panic ensued but the professional smugglers managed to throw the drugs overboard just in time. Without evidence, no arrests could be made, but the smugglers also lost millions by dumping their cargo.


The only "winners" seem to be the sea birds. They were now flying erratically and seem to prefer drinking sea water to catching fish!


No doubt about it. No Tern was Left Un-stoned.
                            (No Stone was Left Unturned)


----------------------


Dedicated to the wonders of world pay ... uh ... word play. For without Spoonerisms and Puns there could not be a Feghoot. Thank you Denis Norden and Frank Muir from the BBC Radio Show "My Word" for opening my ears to a whole new dimension of humor. If anyone knows how to contact these people or their family (FM is dead), let me know. I want to send them a note.


I was dormant for 40 years but am now catching up on tossed lime.


I have heard the punch line before although I am not sure where, but I am certain the story is original and so is the Spoonerist title.
(Title : Tern -- Stoned Birds)

Hart & Sole^^^

Bambi had grown into a fine stag but his problems just don't seem to end. This time the love of his life was shot during hunting season leaving Bambi broken-harted (groan). To quell his grief and loneliness, he bought an aquarium to rear some fish. He decided on the sole because of their unusual characteristics. As fingerlings, they look quite ordinary but slowly their eyes migrate to the same side of their head and they eventually become flatfish typical of their species.


It isn't unusual that Bambi should have this hobby. After all, Abstinence makes the Hart grow Flounder.
(Absence makes the Heart grow Fonder)


----------------------
Dedicated to Charles Darwin and Alfred Russel Wallace. The concept of Natural Selection acting on genetic drifts has been thoroughly verified via DNA analysis, observation, selective breeding, fossil record and much more. But as everyone knows, a mountain of evidence is totally useless against blind faith.

Animal Quackers^^^

Alcatraz prison in the 20s housed many hard core criminals. Nevertheless, the Annual Animal Imitation Competition was always a big hit with the inmates. Defending champion Robert Stroud aka the Birdman of Alcatraz was the favorite with his bird calls. Al Capone came in well prepared with his pig grunts and many of the judges in his back pocket. To minimize rigging, the new voting system required each judge to vote by secret ballot for 2 candidates.


Not surprisingly (in hindsight) what happened was that each bias judge voted for his particular "sponsor" and for the worst participant, who the judge thought had no chance. So the totally unexpected happened. A small-time hood with his terrible cow impressions won the event!!
I guess It Happens -- One Sinner Blew Moo.
             (It Happens Once in a Blue Moon)

--------------------


Why is it that when you kill one person, you are evil. When you kill a hundred (like Al Capone) you are sort of a cult hero and when you kill tens of thousand (Napoleon, Qin Shi Huang, Alexander the Great) you are, well ... great. This feghoot is dedicated to peace lovers who can see though the propaganda.

Water Water Everywhere^

With the melting of the icecaps, sea levels are rising and flooding the low lying areas. The most effective counter-measure is through land reclamation. A lot of money is needed to flatten mountains and hills in order to fill up the depressions and lowlands on the Earth.


It gives a whole new meaning to the phrase ...
Money makes the World go Round.


----------------------------
Dedicated to the Scientists whose detailed measurements have left no doubt on the on-going impact of global warming and people like Al Gore and Leonardo Di Caprio and others who heighten our awareness. Pres. GW Bush and others will go down in history as key people who were in power in the right country, at the right time, with the right resources but did nothing.

Urning Many^^^

In places where the Keas, Toucans and Macaws inhabit, finding shards of pottery and glass on the ground is very common. Although these birds mainly feed on grains and nuts, they also supplement their diet with insects. They go after the bees and other bugs which often take cover in any niche they can find -- usually a small empty vessel. But these birds are not bird brains. Over time they have evolved a skill where they are able to use their strong beaks to lift these containers and shatter them on a hard surface. The unprotected insects then have no chance.


Next time, keep a lookout when you are in places where these birds reside. You will notice that The Parrots Often Carry Bee Urn.
                                           (The Pirates of the Caribbean)
-----------------------


Dedicated to the plight of the endangered species in our shrinking natural world. Through poaching, habitat encroachment and climate change, humans are wiping out thousands of species.

Oh S(h)ucks^^^

With its ferocious wildlife, walking through the jungles of Malaysia is not for the faint hearted. Not the tigers and venomous snakes of course -- you would be lucky to even spot one! The biggest threats are the mosquitoes and other bugs with the poisons and diseases they carry. Much less dangerous and very common are the leeches. They crawl into your socks and clothes for a painless blood meal. The guide explains before the trek how to handle these. Pulling them out can cause damage and not recommended. For smokers it is easy -- just give them a burn and they will fall off. Or you can use a penknife to chop it up.


Vera was walking with her fellow students on a school field study trip. She was clearly not experienced at jungle walks. She wore shorts! And this was a night trek! Almost immediately a leech anchored to the back of her thigh. She felt something and took out her flashlight and penknife to handle the critter. The very thought of cutting a leech was so "icky" but there was no choice. She quickly pressed the knife on the leech, sliced it in half and ran back to her holiday chalet. Cause of the problem? She wore a Short in the Dark.


During her shower, she glance back to where the bite was and to her horror, half of the leech was still clinging on! Blood was still slowly oozing out of the sliced body of the leach -- how gross! Now she understood why the guide had advised to "chop it up". Lesson Learnt? Never give a Sucker an Even Break.


-----------------------------


Dedicated to the suckers of the world -- that means almost everyone, I guess. For which one of us has not gone through life being conned at least once. Unrepayed loans, used by others for hidden agendas, manipulated - perhaps even willingly and happily, emotionally played out ... the list goes on. The meek shall inherit the Earth? Dream on.

Born to be Wild (the beast)^^

"Some of these newly imported wildebeests from Kenya are out of control" said the zookeeper "they are running amok in their common enclosure and hurting the calm ones."


"What do you suggest, sir?" asked the assistant


"What the hell am I paying you for? You come up with a solution or you're fired"


A few hours later, the zookeeper came back to check.


"Great job! I see you have tied ropes around the necks of the crazy ones and hitched them to the fence"


"Yes sir. I hope these bad ones will calm down after a while so I can release them."


"By the way, how did you manage to think of such a simple but elegant solution?"


"Lucky I guess ... I just figured that No Noose is Good Gnus"
                                                       (No News is Good News)
---------------


Actually, no news is bad news. War, hunger, disease is pretty much ignored by the news media. Maybe there is not much demand for it or perhaps we just become immune to it after a while. As the saying goes -- one death is murder, a million is just statistics. Tell that to the million crying mothers ....

Bare Necessities^

At the herb plantation, the native workers rarely used any footwear. Several herbs had prickly leaves and stems and this resulted in frequent cuts and scratches on their bare feet.


The management wanted them to put on shoes and came up with a slogan that could hardly be overlooked.


The injuries were drastically reduced when the catchy signs went up... "Thyme Wounds all Heels".
         (Time Heals all Wounds)
------------------


For people who have undergone real painful losses, time doesn't really heal all wounds. But it does help somewhat.

Lambasted^^^

Mary had a little Lamb
But the Lamb was a Ram
Entered Mary's room -- oh Damn
Unexpectedly and Wham


Revenge was Mary's Plan
Took an axe and Bam!
With bread and Ham
Mary had a little Lamb


Nine months later a Prang
Oh what a Sham
There pushing a Pram
Mary had a little Lamb


-----------------


Dedicated to the simple joys of life like breeze in your hair, the smell of pine needles, sitting on a swing, holding hands, laughter of children. (above poetry notwithstanding!)

Here and Gone^

A conversation between a father and daughter


F: You know, I'm getting deaf ....


d: Hear today, Gone tommorrow ...


F: And balding too ...


d: Hair today, Gone tommorrow ...


F: Now stop that. How is your German friend with the sickly pet rabbit ...


d : Herr today, Gone tommorrow ... Hare today, Gone tommorrow ...


F: Now cut that out or I'll disown you ...


d: Heir today, Gone tommorrow ...
By the way dad, I am changing my sex .....


F: Oh well! Her today, Gone tomorrow.


--------------


Dedicated to the generation gap -- let's keep it small.

Special De-livery^^

Nonook the Eskimo was a true entrepreneur. While his fellow Eskimos were out hunting seals, he exported fois gras to France! He raised geese in a heated barn, force-fed them and later cut out, minced and processed their liver.


Things were going fine until one cold winter's night when the power tripped in the barn. Needless to say, every goose was frozen to death the next morning.


With bankruptcy looming, he came up with an idea. Why not use seal's liver? His fellow Eskimos hunted lots of seals and he could get the liver real cheap. Surely, after mincing and processing, they would taste similar.


He put up signs all over town and within no time, his business was better than ever.


Some called him a sneaky genius, but the Eskimos also gave credit to his catchy Sign "Seal De-Livered"


-----------------------------


Dedicated to the people who boycott food that causes needless animal suffering (fois gras, turtles, shark's fin etc). If you have to eat meat, at least take those that minimise suffering.

Words in the Sand^^^^

Heracles (Hercules) was asking Zeus for more powers.


"You know how the system works in Xanadu, ... uh Olympus" said Zeus "you scratch my back and I scratch yours"


"Of course, my God"


"That slimy God of the Sea, Poseidon, is going to run for TOP God in the coming election. He's all wet, I tell you"


"Yeah, pathetic. Nowadays, even Gods don't know their place." nodded Herc


"That sewer-polluted not-so-low-life actually challenged me to a contest. Just imagine .. me! An election gimmick of course, but my spin doctors have advised me to take it up."


"Whatever I can do, Zuzu"


"Of course I can do it easily myself, but it is beneath my dignity to be seen with him."


"Of course, Big Zee"


"Tomorrow, on Olympus Beach, you have to write my name 1000 times in the sand before his tide comes in to wash it away. You have less than 6 hours."


"I wont let you down"


Well, Herc was there on time at high tide. Poseidon and a huge crowd had gathered, together with the judges -- Dryan, Upala and Nimos.


As the tide receded, Herc started writing furiously... Zeus, Zeus .... Being ambidextrous he foiled Poseidon's plan by writing with both his hands at the same time! It was a close finish but Herc did it.


The next moment, Zeus appeared to soak in the glory of the cheering crowd. "A chore well done, Heracles, worthy of an epic feat"


Herc replied in all modesty,
"Epic Chore is Worth a Thou Sand-words"
  (A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words)
 ------------------------------------------

Dedicated to the wonderful world of fantasy, science fiction and fairy tales -- stories limited only by imagination. Too bad when children grow up they actually believe incredulous stories to be true! Only now, it is called religion.
(Yes, I am ambidextrous)

No Light Weight^

"M" assigned agent "A" to knock off "the Earl" -- Spectre mafia chief.
"Q", as always, issued "A" with his latest gadget -- a death ray gun. Unlike a light laser, this shot out a heavy dose of Gamma rays. With this,


"A" downed the Earl in Weighty Rays.

(Around the World in Eighty Days - transposition of  the letters D, W & R)
------------------------------------------
Dedicated to my love and passion of Travel. Unshaven, coke & M&Ms & chips within easy reach, steering wheel in hand, John Denver on the CD, loved ones all around and a deserted road ahead to somewhere I have never been. How close to heaven can I get?

Burning Love^^^^

When the Beatles visited India in the 60s for some yoga and meditation, one of the places they went to was the holy Hindu city of Varanasi. Sited alongside the sacred Ganges, it is the place where Hindus go on pilgrimage at least once in their lifetime. The bustling city is a Mecca (oops, wrong religion) for rituals on milestone occasions like Birth, Marriage and, most importantly, Death.


The Beatles, needless to say, witnessed the cremations at close range, next to the temple and mounds of burning wood. Unfortunately, their fans were also there, pushing and shoving to get a better view of their idols.(the Beatles, of course, not those in the temple). Of course the inevitable happened. While trying to avoid an over-eager fan, Ringo slipped and burnt himself on the flames. (He finally managed to reach high C, btw)


Well, as the saying goes,
"Out of the Prying Fan and into the Pyre."
 (Out of the Frying Pan and into the Fire)
------------------------------

Dedicated to the amazing Beatles and the overcrowded city of Varanasi where I watched a never-ending "production line" of corpses going through ceremonial washing, wrapping, cremation, ash-collection and ash-scattering.