Burning Love^^^^

When the Beatles visited India in the 60s for some yoga and meditation, one of the places they went to was the holy Hindu city of Varanasi. Sited alongside the sacred Ganges, it is the place where Hindus go on pilgrimage at least once in their lifetime. The bustling city is a Mecca (oops, wrong religion) for rituals on milestone occasions like Birth, Marriage and, most importantly, Death.


The Beatles, needless to say, witnessed the cremations at close range, next to the temple and mounds of burning wood. Unfortunately, their fans were also there, pushing and shoving to get a better view of their idols.(the Beatles, of course, not those in the temple). Of course the inevitable happened. While trying to avoid an over-eager fan, Ringo slipped and burnt himself on the flames. (He finally managed to reach high C, btw)


Well, as the saying goes,
"Out of the Prying Fan and into the Pyre."
 (Out of the Frying Pan and into the Fire)
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Dedicated to the amazing Beatles and the overcrowded city of Varanasi where I watched a never-ending "production line" of corpses going through ceremonial washing, wrapping, cremation, ash-collection and ash-scattering.

Streaking Shrek^^^^

Shrek, the giant ogre, became very famous after his movies. With his enormous strength and kind heart, he continued his fight against evil into the 21st century. Needless to say, the United Nation felt that its own role as peacekeeper had been usurped and decided to issue a challenge to Shrek which they felt he surely could not do. .


"If you can leap around the Earth in a single bound, we will accept you as the true guardian of peace" they said.


Shrek could not shirk this challenge and started his training (to the tune of Rocky, of course). The critical day finally arrived and of course, the media had worked up the population to near hysteria. Will he do it? Can he do it?


All was set! A dwarf got down on his hands and knees at the starting/finishing line. He was to be Shrek's springboard! Now Shrek started his run almost a kilometer away. Building up speed rapidly, he literally blazed towards the starting line. (Of course his clothes burnt away due to air friction, but that is another (x-rated) feghoot) At the starting line he stepped on the dwarf, got a boost and vanished towards the horizon.


He was tracked via satellite as he flew round the Earth. Ninety minutes later, a small speck was seen on the other side. It was Shrek! He landed (some say crashed) a mere 100 meters past the finishing line. He had made it!


As the microphones from the world media were pushed into his bruised face, he called his dwarf pal to his side, pointed to him and uttered those historic and immortal first words.


"That's one Small Man for Step, One Mankind Leap for Giant"
(That's one Small Step for Man, One Giant Leap for Mankind)
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Dedicated to all the Astronomers, Scientists and Engineers who put Neil Armstrong and others into space. I looked at the moon and Saturn with my 3-inch Newtonian when I was maybe 8 and astronomy has been my passion ever since. Thank you Voyager, Apollo, Hubble and the rest. Also to astronomer Prof McCord at MIT for whom I worked part-time while studying.

Beauty Turd^^^

Little doubt that Sylvester was the leader of the cat mafia who terrorized Tweety and the other birds in the neighbourhood.


The birds decided to hire a huge dog to help them teach Sylvester a lesson he would never forget. In the middle of a freezing winter's night, the plan was set. The dog grabbed Sylvester while he was asleep and the birds started to peck his eyes. He was then thrown into a half-frozen lake. With bleeding eyes and almost frozen solid, he promised never to bother the birds again.
 He was taken back to his house to warm up and Tweety summed up what Sylvester really was.

Ice Thawed, Eye Sore, A Pushy Cat
(I Thought I Saw a Pussy Cat)
--------------------------
Dedicated to the wonderful eccentric Warner Brothers cartoon characters of my childhood -- Daffy, Bugs, Foghorn, Elmer, Coyote. Sure beats the boring stuff Disney puts out.
Title : Tweety Bird

Horsing Around^

I love horses and I love parades! When the two come together ... wow.
For the Mardi Gras, our polo club was asked to contribute a float. We had to decorate ourselves and our horses with colourful flowers and ribbons and bows on the saddle, reins, stirrups and all over the horse. We also had to display a sign denoting our club's name. Some would put on their saddles, some wear that on their clothes, and Some Wear Over The Rein Bow.
      (somewhere over the rainbow)
--------------


Dedicated to all the horses we had owned -- Ivory Princess, Bearer Bond, Bonus Bond (what a beauty!) and Amaan.
Israel "IZ" Kamakawiwoʻole version with the ukelele was played at when I walked Shaan down the aisle in Bali towards Jeremy. Unique and wonderful. "And the dream that you dare to, why,  oh why can't I?"

Footloose^

After Sam's trip to Bali, he was fascinated with the exotic "bamboo dance." The performance had 2 men clapping long bamboo poles close to the floor while 2 women stepped in and out of the poles to the rhythm of the music.


Back home, he tried out the dance with a couple of his friends using cue sticks. Needless to say, the whole thing was a fiasco with Sam getting his feet whacked by the sticks over and over again. It only goes to show that you shouldn't jump the cue.
                                                           (jump the queue)


-----------

Dedicated to my 2 left feet which have deprived me of my love of dancing. So unfair. (my singing voice sucks too).

Ghosts to Hell^^

The spirits were restless. They were told by the top honcho (Holy Ghost) that they must wear clothes when they haunt people so as to not offend their modesty while scaring them to death! Two macho souls protested against the directive and set fire to a garment factory in protest.
 In the Spirit Times the next day, the headlines screamed ---
"Two Manly Spooks Broil the Cloth"
(Too Many Cooks Spoil the Broth - tri-Spooner of C, Sp & Br)
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Dedicated to the Skeptics and Rationalists everywhere. A fragile flame providing light in a world dominated Supernatural Beliefs and Superstition.

J. R. R. Tolk-Inn^

Frodo and Samwise made use of their travel experience to open a chain of hotels throughout Middle Earth. Such was their quality and value that people would Laud of their Inns.
                                     (Lord of the Rings)
-------------
Dedicated to all those who are young at heart and manage to retain their love of fantasy and wonder throughout their lives.

My 'air Lady^

Prof. Henry Higgins took Eliza Doolittle to his mother’s house for high tea where he offered the cockney girl some ham sandwiches. When Eliza later recounted the event to Henry’s high society friends, there was some confusion. As she dropped all the “h”s, they were under the impression that she went to
‘am ‘igh tea.
(MIT ham high tea)
--------------------------


A short feghoot with 2 long dedications ... sorry
Dedicated to my Alma Mater, MIT. Thanks for a great education and lots of fun. Too bad universities don’t teach you to be smart. You need the streets for that.


Dedicated to my HongKong Diocesan Boys' School Literature teacher, Mr. Jacobsen, who "taught" me how to watch movies (and applicable to people, places and everything in life too I guess)! Don't just look at the stars and the main songs. Look deeply where very few do -- the costumes, the background, the extras, the background music. "Go see My Fair Lady again with this in mind" he said.

Time for Flying^^

It was a long hot summer at the home for retarded children. Howard, as usual, was sitting by the open window which, of course, had a screen to keep the bugs out. Occasionally, a bug would land on the screen and crawl around looking for a way in. Actually, there was a small tear on the bottom left corner and a bug would eventually find it and fly in. Howard found great amusement checking on his watch to see how long it took an insect to find the gap.

To the care-givers, it looked like Howard as was totally nuts. Here he was looking up, looking at his watch, looking up again and repeating this all day. Little did they know that ... How Time Flies


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Dedicated to mentally handicapped who have been unfairly cheated of a life and my father, Adam, who was chairman of the Tampines Home for Retarded Children for many years.

All the thyme in the World^^

Ghosts are weird, as everyone knows. They mess up ordinary houses and still continue to stay there instead of 5-star hotel suites or Bill Gate’s mansion.


What people don’t know is that these spirits do get hungry as haunting is clearly an exhausting activity…. you know … moving things around, flying about.


Being ghosts and all, it is easy to get money to purchase any amount of food, but they eat just one type of herb! And even then, only if it is delivered by a donkey! Like I said, they are weird!


In other words, Ass Thyme Ghosts Buy
                        (as time goes by)


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Dedicated to all the delusionists of the world who give their time and money to fortune tellers, priests, mediums and other paranormal charlatans.

I Kneed You^^

Alma twisted her knee while skiing. Her husband, Zane, took her to the nearest clinic which was jam-packed with patients. After a long agonising wait, she finally got to see the doctor. As expected, he took a quick look, applied some lotion and wrapped the knee in a small sling --- all in 5 minutes!


Needless to say, it was a sloppy rush job and as soon as she entered the lobby of her hotel, the wrapping was loose. People watched as Zane carefully removed the bandage and very gently re-wrapped the knee. The feelings Zane had for Alma was there for all to see because


Love is Alma Knee's Tender Sling

(Love is a many splendoured thing)


------------
Dedicated to my dearest Almas  and to the emotion that causes the greatest happiness and pain -- love.

Ant that the Truth^^^

It is truly facinating to see an ant colony in action. Always busy digging wells and tunnels and hunting for food to feed the colony.


Unfortunately, one group of ants were tunnelling a new living quarters near an oil field. The ground beneath was somewhat weakened by the digging and the oil started to seep out through the holes. This drowned most of the colony. Basically what happened was that


Oil swell that Ant's Well.
(Alls well that Ends Well)
-----------------------------


Dedicated to the commodity that controls our lives and make nations invade and destroy others -- oil.

As easy as C C C^

"But you have everything!" his friend said


"I still think I am missing something!" the billionaire replied.


"Well you have condominiums, culture, cars, club memberships, children and tons of cash -- what else could you want?"


"Not sure, but I always thought there were seven Cs"
                                                                    (7 seas)


-------------------
Dedicated to Shawn, my ex-bridge partner and a sailor in the navy.

Bare Necessities^^

Did you hear about the beautiful magician's assistant who was found dead with just her brassiere on?


It was A Bra Cadaver.
(Abracadabra)
---------------------------

Dedicated to CSI (Crime Scene Investigation) -- where an ounce of fact outweighs a mountain of eye witnesses.

Perfect Timing^^^^

Albert Einstein was a great physicist and peace activist but it has now come to light that he also believed in the occult pseudoscience of numerology.


While pouring over his space-time relativity equations in 1933, he decided to plug in his personal details ... and lo and behold ... a disturbing result turned up. He was going to die on 15th March 1935! He rechecked it a few times but there was no mistake.


The genius pondered over the greatest problem he had ever encountered and finally figured out that there was a small chance he could actually avoid the Ides of March and with it, the wrath of fate!


His plan was simple in concept but difficult in practice. He would hire a plane and take off from the western tip of Alaska just before midnight on 14th March. He would then fly across the Bering Straits towards the USSR. If he could time it exactly (remember there were no GPS those days), he would cross the International Date Line exactly at midnight and therefore go directly into March 16th!


The critical time finally arrived and guess what? Sad to disappoint all you action movies junkies, but everything went off exactly as planned! Yawn!


Well it had to be, you see, everybody knows that


"A Niche in Time Saves 'Stein"
(a stitch in time saves nine)


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2 Dedications:
To Albert Einstein for heralding in the new era of physics. Needless to say, he hardly believed in organised religion, let alone numerology.
To Isaac Asimov (who wrote a feghoot with this identical pun(ch) line) for countless hours of wonder.