Time for Flying^^

It was a long hot summer at the home for retarded children. Howard, as usual, was sitting by the open window which, of course, had a screen to keep the bugs out. Occasionally, a bug would land on the screen and crawl around looking for a way in. Actually, there was a small tear on the bottom left corner and a bug would eventually find it and fly in. Howard found great amusement checking on his watch to see how long it took an insect to find the gap.

To the care-givers, it looked like Howard as was totally nuts. Here he was looking up, looking at his watch, looking up again and repeating this all day. Little did they know that ... How Time Flies


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Dedicated to mentally handicapped who have been unfairly cheated of a life and my father, Adam, who was chairman of the Tampines Home for Retarded Children for many years.

All the thyme in the World^^

Ghosts are weird, as everyone knows. They mess up ordinary houses and still continue to stay there instead of 5-star hotel suites or Bill Gate’s mansion.


What people don’t know is that these spirits do get hungry as haunting is clearly an exhausting activity…. you know … moving things around, flying about.


Being ghosts and all, it is easy to get money to purchase any amount of food, but they eat just one type of herb! And even then, only if it is delivered by a donkey! Like I said, they are weird!


In other words, Ass Thyme Ghosts Buy
                        (as time goes by)


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Dedicated to all the delusionists of the world who give their time and money to fortune tellers, priests, mediums and other paranormal charlatans.

I Kneed You^^

Alma twisted her knee while skiing. Her husband, Zane, took her to the nearest clinic which was jam-packed with patients. After a long agonising wait, she finally got to see the doctor. As expected, he took a quick look, applied some lotion and wrapped the knee in a small sling --- all in 5 minutes!


Needless to say, it was a sloppy rush job and as soon as she entered the lobby of her hotel, the wrapping was loose. People watched as Zane carefully removed the bandage and very gently re-wrapped the knee. The feelings Zane had for Alma was there for all to see because


Love is Alma Knee's Tender Sling

(Love is a many splendoured thing)


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Dedicated to my dearest Almas  and to the emotion that causes the greatest happiness and pain -- love.

Ant that the Truth^^^

It is truly facinating to see an ant colony in action. Always busy digging wells and tunnels and hunting for food to feed the colony.


Unfortunately, one group of ants were tunnelling a new living quarters near an oil field. The ground beneath was somewhat weakened by the digging and the oil started to seep out through the holes. This drowned most of the colony. Basically what happened was that


Oil swell that Ant's Well.
(Alls well that Ends Well)
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Dedicated to the commodity that controls our lives and make nations invade and destroy others -- oil.

As easy as C C C^

"But you have everything!" his friend said


"I still think I am missing something!" the billionaire replied.


"Well you have condominiums, culture, cars, club memberships, children and tons of cash -- what else could you want?"


"Not sure, but I always thought there were seven Cs"
                                                                    (7 seas)


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Dedicated to Shawn, my ex-bridge partner and a sailor in the navy.

Bare Necessities^^

Did you hear about the beautiful magician's assistant who was found dead with just her brassiere on?


It was A Bra Cadaver.
(Abracadabra)
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Dedicated to CSI (Crime Scene Investigation) -- where an ounce of fact outweighs a mountain of eye witnesses.

Perfect Timing^^^^

Albert Einstein was a great physicist and peace activist but it has now come to light that he also believed in the occult pseudoscience of numerology.


While pouring over his space-time relativity equations in 1933, he decided to plug in his personal details ... and lo and behold ... a disturbing result turned up. He was going to die on 15th March 1935! He rechecked it a few times but there was no mistake.


The genius pondered over the greatest problem he had ever encountered and finally figured out that there was a small chance he could actually avoid the Ides of March and with it, the wrath of fate!


His plan was simple in concept but difficult in practice. He would hire a plane and take off from the western tip of Alaska just before midnight on 14th March. He would then fly across the Bering Straits towards the USSR. If he could time it exactly (remember there were no GPS those days), he would cross the International Date Line exactly at midnight and therefore go directly into March 16th!


The critical time finally arrived and guess what? Sad to disappoint all you action movies junkies, but everything went off exactly as planned! Yawn!


Well it had to be, you see, everybody knows that


"A Niche in Time Saves 'Stein"
(a stitch in time saves nine)


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2 Dedications:
To Albert Einstein for heralding in the new era of physics. Needless to say, he hardly believed in organised religion, let alone numerology.
To Isaac Asimov (who wrote a feghoot with this identical pun(ch) line) for countless hours of wonder.

Against the Odds^

"I tell you that there is no one in our senior class who weighs 60 kilos" insisted Al


"Well it says right here in the newsletter that that is the mean weight" countered Beth.


"Don't you see" explained Al "that the mean weight of men is about 70 kilos and the mean weight of women is about 50 kilos. By mixing all the data together, they came up with a meaningless figure of 60 kilos."


"Oh yes, I understand it now" Beth said " Now I know what they mean by the Flaw of Averages"


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Dedicated to Mathematics. Like many kids, I started with Pi and then to i, e and phi and feel the unique combination of beauty and truth. I am truly previledged.
I spent no time studying Math and I aced it but spent tons of time on French and barely scraped through. This must mean the more you study the worse your grades. Another example on how statistics can lie.

Flying Carpets^^^

Hurricane Katrina lashed out her anger on New Orleans as she left a trail of destruction in her wake. Houses wrecked, trees uprooted, lives lost. Peeping out of my house, I saw Katrina completely destroy my garage and smashed open my car. I just couldn't believe it as I saw padding from the seats and fragments of the car window being blown away. All 4 of my car rugs were spinning wildly in the gale. It was surely a mat mat mat mat whirl.


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Dedicated to the victims of hurricanes and typhoons everywhere in this mad mad mad mad world. Can't these countries see that the Kyoto Protocol to control greenhouse gases and global warming needs to be signed by every nation and thoroughly enforced. Otherwise things can only get worse.

S-tressed Out^^^^

Mary had long beautiful curly locks but peer pressure dictated that it was fashionable to have totally straight hair. To have her hair ironed and pressed by professionals was pretty expensive but she found a compromise solution. She went to a hairdresser's school where girl trainees would do her hair for half the cost.
Big mistake! Her hair was badly burnt and she had to buy a wig to hide the damage. Needless to say, she was the laughing stock of all her so-called friends.
Something just snapped within her. She swore revenge and began a kidnapping spree against all the hairdressers at the school. Over a period of a year, one by one, she would knock them out with chloroform and then sell them off to pimps in the sex trade.
When she was finally caught, she was taken to the FBI headquarters and interrogated. She was asked where she got such a bizarre idea. "No big deal" she replied, "I see the signboards telling me what to do everywhere."

"And what signboard is that?" the Interrogator asked.

"Just like the one outside this building," she smiled
"Tress Pressers will be Prostituted"
(Trespasser will be Prosecuted)
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Dedicated to all the abused children -- perhaps externally wounded but all mentally scarred for life.
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Fruitility^

The durian seller is a master of the sleight of hand. No matter how carefully you watch him pack your fruits, he still manages to sneak in a rotten one.
In other words, there is "All Lice in one Durian".
                                     (Alice in Wonderland)


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Dedicated to the King of Fruits -- the Durian and Lewis Carroll. So is it aroma de heaven or just eating custard in the toilet? Only the Cheshire Cat nose.

Fly Away Peter, Fly Away Appall^^

Not sure where 8 year old Peter got his nasty streak, but he sure took out his meanness on his little sister and the animals around him.
Kicking and stoning cats and dogs was a daily affair. Others were really gross.
Just the other day, he put some butter on the garbage can and watched the flies gorge on it. When they could no longer fly, he then took a sewing needle and pierced the whole lot of them into a necklace. When he garlanded his sister, you should have heard her scream.
"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE, PETER!!" she yelled.


"Bloat like a Butter Fly. String like a Bead" he replied honestly
(float like a butterfly, sting like a bee)


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Dedicated to Mohammad Ali for a riveting performance both inside and outside the ring.

The Bitch is Back^^^^

Susan was an only child and a rebel. Her aristocratic upbringing could not hold back her anti-social behavior and at the age of fifteen she promptly left her family to join the Hell's Angels, roaming the country on her stolen Harley.


One day a lawyer tracked her down. He told her that her father had passed away. In his will, he had left her his multi-million dollar inheritance on condition that she give up her wild ways and return to her duty as the last living heir of the family.


As this story is not a fairy tale, needless to say, she complied and lived happily ever after in wealth and luxury.


As there are not too many ways to spend your time when you don't need to work, she wrote a book on her exploits and her eventual return as heir to the estate. The name of the book?


"The Bitch Biker's Ride to the Legacy"
(Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)
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Dedicated to the late Douglas Adams - a imaginative humour writer without equal. Thank you for your "trilogy" of 6 books and no thanks for the pathetic movie and all the fish.

Whale of a Wave^^

Who can forget that amazing scene from David Attenboriugh's Life on Earth where the orcas would glide to the shore at high tide to catch the hapless seals.


The most famous of all the orcas is, of course, Shamu, currently entertaining thousands at San Diego's Sea World. Undoubtedly tamed, but accidents can easily occur when dealing with a multi-ton beast.


Just the other day, a trainer was badly hurt when Shamu accidentally scraped his arm with its teeth. After being rescued, he angrily shouted, "I am going to sue everybody for this. The management, the company, the .... "


"Take it easy" his boss replied, "you signed an indemnity form when you took this job to exclude any work related injury.
"You cannot sue many as it was a tidal whale.
(ok, ok a little contrived -- "sue many" for Tsunami and "tidal whale" for tidal wave is definitely pushing it.)


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"I complained I had no shoes until I saw a man with no feet." -- Sayings of the Buddha
Dedicated to the victims of the Great Sumatran Tsunami of 26 Dec 2004

The Fellowship of the BoRing^

People who say that The Lord of the Rings is the best movie of all time are just Tolkien nonsense.


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Dedicated to J R R Tolkien, Isaac Asimov, Arthur C Clark -- the authors who filled introverted kids like myself with wonder and imagination.