Feghoots

No Food For Thought^^^^

2011-02-10T16:09:00.002+08:00

The natives were restless.

Don't be silly. They weren't after some innocent white settlers like in the movies. Everyone knows that in reality, it was the other way round.

They were restless because in spite of their non-stop prayers to god, there was still no sign of rain. The drought was taking a severe toll on the crops and their livelihood.

A small group of intellectual young natives finally realised that all this "god" stuff was just a delusion. If it rains, then "god" made it rain. If it doesn't, then "god" is not pleased. A flawed logic.

They needed money to buy food for their families and they now knew exactly who had been squeezing them all these years with a promise of heaven. They sneaked into the temple that night and poked out the solid gold eye of the god idol. As expected, while trying to leave, they were caught by the guards with their state-of-the-art security systems.

The culprits were publicly caned on their asses for their crime and for the disrespect of the religion. In short ...

Their butt for disgrace of gored gold eye.
(There, but for the grace of god, go I)
-----------------------

2 dedications ...
1. Richard Dawkins and his insightful book "The God Delusion"
2. During my treks through the third world, I saw a lot of poverty, sickness, hard labor and suffering. Why are they being punished? Why are they born in an environment where they have no chance? Why are their babies dying of starvation? Seeing the total unfairness of it all, one can't help but conclude that there is no supernatural meaning to life.

You're Fired^^^^

2011-02-10T16:04:00.002+08:00

A golf fanatic died and faced god.

"You committed a lot of sins, including NOT believing in me" roared the lord "what do have to say in your defense?"

"But lord" the golfer pleaded "you made me imperfect and you knew I would commit these sins. How can you now punish me for your mistakes?"

"ENOUGH" said god "you're fired. Go and burn in hell for eternity you unbeliever."

"Oh mercy, oh lord, mercy for being an atheist. If only you could have shown me a clear sign."

"You telling me what to do? You think god was created in your image or I created you in my image? Why should I show you any mercy when I ordered the massacre of every man, woman and baby in Jericho. Except of course for the prostitute and her family as a reward for betraying her city?"

"But lord, when my diabetic father's leg was amputated, I prayed and prayed to you like the millions of amputees on Earth but not a single new leg appeared to anyone. So I lost faith. Mercy. Mercy"

"Don't say I am not merciful. For every 1,000 years in burning brimstone, you can play one day of golf in hell. Here are some photos of the golf course."

"But lord, unlike on Earth, the greens seem to have overgrown weeds almost knee high. How do I putt?"

"Well, this is not Earth is it? You should know that The Green is Grassier on the Other Side."

------------------------

Dedicated to Friedrich Nietzsche, Bertrand Russell, David Hume, Ayn Rand and other philosophers for providing a flickering candlelight in a dark world of irrationality, herd mentality and blind faith.

With dogma and religion off my back, I find no evidence for a supernatural meaning of life. I don't recall being conscious before I was born and I seriously doubt I will be conscious after I am dead. No greener grass is available and I am a little too old for an imaginary friend.

Reining in the Cry^^^

2010-07-06T10:23:00.008+08:00

Don't ever to go a Baby Show. I was at my club and I decided to watch for a while. Things were fine until the first mother placed her baby on the weighing scale as required by the rules. There was an earth shattering scream followed by wailing and bawling. The organizers were helpless. Worse than that, it was contagious! One by one, as if on cue, all the other babies joined in.

I guess that's the Weigh the Bawl Bounces.

----------------------
Dedicated to our Children. Sure it is tough the first couple of years and later in their teens when their brain had not caught up with their body. But I wouldn't trade it for the world. (The title is, of course, Crying in the Rain)

Pure Weaval^^^

2010-06-28T13:41:00.004+08:00

Salome's wedding was just a few days away and she wanted something daring to wear. This is not easy when you live in conservative Abu Dhabi. She called the premier bridal shop and they said they would send over a sales lady with some items. In this country like elsewhere, they have what you call "walk shops" where they provide this exclusive home service for the rich and famous. (This ain't some Fuller Brush nickels and dimes stuff)
Soon the saleslady was showing her the items and there it was --- perfect! A daring hand-weaved mauve veil with enticing slits and hemmed with precious stones.
Well in hindsight, it was obvious. Everyone knows that
"Bridal Aims are the Dare Veil's Walk Shop"
(Idle Brains are the Devil's Workshop -- a variation of the less accurate "hands" version)
---------------
Dedicated to Shaan and Jeremy 2-year stint in Abu Dhabi.
And also to the best friend you will ever have -- yourself. There are wonderful and interesting people and things all around us we should never let ourselves get lonely and become neurotic.

Twas Brillig to the Glue King Lass^^^

2010-03-20T11:10:00.011+08:00

At 4pm, White Pawn Alice made it to the 8th rank. She simultaneously captured the Red Queen, was crowned as a White Queen and checkmated the Red King. This was surely a case of when the Reign is Canceled because of the Game.

--------------
Dedicated to Nonce, Portmanteau, Spooners and other types of nonsense words that so enrich our lives.
(Title meaning : Twas Brillig (4pm) are the opening words from the Jabberwocky poem in "Through the Looking Glass" which the title spoonerizes the G "to the Glue King Lass" (King that cannot move is glued ie Checkmated and the Lass is, of course. Alice)

Brain Drained^^

2010-02-14T19:49:00.009+08:00

The professor turned to his assistant "Suppose we have a volunteer who agreed to have his undamaged brain removed."

"What!" exclaimed his assistant

" Hypothetically speaking of course. We have the knowledge and the technology to circulate oxygenated blood to keep the grey matter, white matter and other brain components alive, healthy, alert and, most importantly, be fully aware."

"What are you getting at?"

"Wouldn't the brain then still be conscious? Without sensory input from the nerves. wouldn't the person's grey matter conclude that it is actually existing detached from the body? It can still think therefore it will conclude that it exists ... to actually be!"

The assistant was shocked "Oh Dear! What? Can the Matter Be?"

-----------------------------------------------

Dedicated to our amazing Brain. This feghoot may look like fantasy but I have no doubt that when a person is guillotined, his conscious head falls into the basket and fully aware of what has happened for a few minutes until oxygen deprivation takes effect.

Getting Mooned^^^

2010-02-02T00:31:00.007+08:00

"You can't go wrong investing in Silver" said the financial analyst.

"But I've got burnt with your advice before" moaned Sam

"Not this time Sam. There will be a chronic shortage of silver because the heavy rains in Peru have affected the mine's output. Prices will shoot through the roof!"

"Are you really sure? Silver prices are at an all time high."

"Of course they are. The shortage is driving the prices up. Now stop moaning. You will be laughing all the way to the bank in a few weeks"

Of course Sam invested his money and, as usual, silver prices crashed. He had fallen for the lie again.

Buy the Lie of the Silver -- Re-moan

(By the Light of the Silvery Moon)

--------------------
Contrary to what the poets and laymen say, when you understand something, for example the moon, it does not take anything away from the beauty or the mystery of it. The beauty remains and the mystery is raised to a higher level. This feghoot is dedicated to the "The Theory of Everything" -- the ultimate quest to explain the universe and beyond ... 42

The Buck of the Draw^^^

2010-01-24T21:54:00.009+08:00

After the loss of his wife, renown artist Pickassol just couldn't paint with the same fiery passion anymore. His work went downhill.

He decided to head down to his country manor to do some hunting and fishing but there was no improvement in his paintings. In desperation, he drained some blood from a deer he had shot and grounded it with the flesh of a fish. Using that as paint, he finally managed to produce a great work of art! In hindsight, it was obvious why this worked.

To be successful, you need to put your hart and sole into it.

----------------------

Dedicated to Vincent Van Gogh who showed us the meaning of passion

Cash a blank card^^

2009-10-11T23:09:00.008+08:00

Rubber Bridge.
High stakes.
No Luck.
Opponents just made slam.
Pay up.
Made another game.
Got to Pay.
Oh no!
They just bid grandslam.
And made it!
Pay it again. Slam.

--------------

Dedicated to my love-hate relationship with duplicate bridge. Love it for the challenge, strategy and thrill. Hate it for the stress and the time it sucks away from my other interests. I swear I don't want to play it any more .... but I don't want to play it any less either (groan).

BTW, Bogie never said it in Casablanca (title of feghoot). but Woody Allen, one of my favourite comedian did make a movie of the same name.(Play It Again Sam)

Allen: What are you doing Saturday night?

Woman: Committing suicide.

Allen: What about Friday night?

Blue Moo^^

2009-10-05T11:05:00.006+08:00

Mad cow disease was spreading fast and the dairy farmers in Austria had to act fast. They buried the dead cows and quarantined all the groaning sick ones.

The ills are Alive with the Sound of Moo Sick.

----------------------------

Dedicated to the researchers in their never ending fight against the microbes. Will there come a time when a deadly strain will be totally resistant to all our drugs? Scary!
(The hills are alive with the sound of music)

Fool's Gold^^^

2009-10-05T10:54:00.004+08:00

Conquistador Francisco Pizarro with superior weapons ruthlessly massacred the Incas and looted tons of gold. The hoard was so great, he could not take it all back in his ships and hid most of it.

Sam had found an ancient map during his research which led him deep into the Andes. At a remote village, he managed to buy a pony and made his final push to an obscure cave. He managed to cleared out some rubble from collapsed passages and there, lo and behold, was Pizarro's treasure!

He fully loaded his pony and started the trek back. Unknown to him, he was being stalked by bandits. Suddenly they made their move. He tried to escape on the pony but it was already overloaded.

Needless to say, he and a Full Andes Pony are soon Martyred.

(A fool and his money are soon parted)

----------------------

2 dedications this time.

To the destroyed civilizations on every continent throughout history. Aside from the devastating massacre and genocide, the victors also forced their religion, values and culture. So much interesting, valuable and important knowledge has been wiped out.

Also dedicated to those of us who have lost their hard earned money by lending, investing, giving money or just getting outright cheated by conmen. Sweet talkers with get-rich schemes or sad stories are far more effective than the mugger in the street.

Cat Call^^

2009-10-05T10:36:00.010+08:00

The tomcat loved the maid. Unlike previous caretakers, this one was a rare find as she genuinely cared for him. She always fed him on time, brushed his coat and scratched his cheeks.

Yup, he became the Fan Tom of the Au Pair rare.

(The Phantom of the Opera)

---------------

3 Dedications

To our maids -- they have to leave their husbands, children, family and friends to come to a strange foreign land so they can earn enough to give their loved ones a better life. (yes especially for you Lily)

To the Musical -- Thank you Andrew Lloyd Webber, Tim Rice, Frederick Loewe, Richard Rodgers, Oscar Hammerstein II, Schonberg and so many others for enriching our lives, A special mention to my Hongkong Diocesan Boys' School literature teacher Mr, Jacobsen for advising me to always see beyond the main characters and songs.

To my childhood Burmese cats : King and Dylan

Spirited Away^^^

2009-09-20T00:09:00.004+08:00

"I dare you to stay in that haunted mansion at midnight" Timmy challenged Sammy "Ten bucks says you can't"

"I... I'll do it" Sammy stammered

At midnight a trembling Sammy slowly made his way into the courtyard and waited. It was here 20 years ago that an 8 year old child had fallen off her bicycle. She had hit her head on the concrete floor and died.

Thirty slow minutes ticked away. Suddenly, an apparition materialized. It was a ghostly image of a child cycling! Sammy took out the camera with his jittery hands and clicked. Oh no! He had forgotten to charge the battery! The flash barely came on. The ghost quickly vanished and Sammy ran out.

Sadly, the photo was severely underexposed and nothing could be seen. It seems that the Spirit is Wheeling but the Flash is Weak.

------------------

Dedicated to the ultimate power that controls our behavior and actions. Our Spirit may be willing and our Flesh may be weak but our Brains have the final say.

Oh Sheet^^

2009-08-28T14:42:00.003+08:00

The microwave oven is one of the greatest inventions for the kitchen. Nowadays it is integrated with a conventional oven and a fan to distribute the heat evenly.

It came in extra handy last night when my dryer broke down while I was doing my bedsheets.
Yup, dry in just 5 minutes when the Fan Heats the Sheet.
(when the shit hits the fan)

---------------------------

Dedicated to the Good Ol' Days. How many of us knew then that we were actually living through it? We worried about pimples, grades, scolding from parents, girlfriends/boyfriends and so many things that seem so trivial now.

Bee S(t)ing^^^

2009-08-22T16:54:00.014+08:00

The Abbot made the decision. The vows of silence in the abbey had to be obeyed, No caroling will be allowed during Christmas ... period.

One monk, who was a beekeeper prior to joining the brotherhood, had an amazing idea. He knew that the "buzz" of each bee was of a different pitch caused by the beat rate of its wings. He wrote to the abbot, "If I could place groups of bees of the same pitch in tiny cages in a row, I may be able to get an octave of frequencies. By carefully agitating these cages in tempo, the bees will fly and their specific buzz will be picked up by microphones and a simple tune will be created."

The abbot gave his approval as animals were outside the scope of the vow of silence.

After weeks of hard work, the bees were ready. Opening night was a "resounding" success as a slow and simple version of "Silent Night" was buzzed out by the little stars!

Everybody agreed that nothing was
more fun than a Carol of Monk Bees.
(more fun than a barrel of monkeys)

--------------------

Dedicated to my past and present regular bee-ridge partners -- Trevor Li, Ron Savage, Vera Emil, C C Chen, Karol Crouse, Yu Chun Yee, Shamim Moledina, Leonardo, Peter Arnette, Sean Ng. No need to go as far as vows of silence. Just a smile and an occasional kind word goes a long way to make the game so much more enjoyable.

Doggone It^^

2009-03-15T00:01:00.007+08:00

Dingos, the wild dogs of Australia, usually hunt in packs, and can even corner and kill a kangaroo. However, if a dingo is on its own, chasing a big prey is futile. It must lie flat and slowly creep up on a rabbit and pounce. End result? Slump Dog Meal on Hare

------------------

Dedicated to Frisky my late Maltese terrier - asked for little, gave so much.
(Yes you can sometimes make a good movie for just $15 million - Slumdog Millionaire)

Burning Bush^^^^

2008-11-15T12:35:00.015+08:00

"Hey guys" Bush said eagerly "Do I have time to start another war? Huh? Huh?"
All heads turned to the ceiling.

"Ok, ok, I get it ... how about some sanctions then ... Huh? Huh? ... our guy in Iraq ... what's his name? ah yes Maliki ... he just got no respect. We made him Prime Minister and the nerve of that guy telling us to set a date for withdrawal .... when the oils runs out, buddy ... when the oil runs out... what an idiot ... yeh ... I want to bar all their exports ... except oil of course ... that will show him who's the boss"

"You should check with Obama before you do anything. Mr. President"

"What about Burma ... Huh? ... Huh? Everybody hates that country with those suppressive generals in charge. Locking up what's her name ...Sue Me ... uh ... Suu Kyi for so many years and killing those monks ... We can bar the export of their gemstones and whatever other crap they have over there."

"You should check with Obama before you do anything. Mr. President"

"Ok .. ok .. get him on the line ... he owes me a big one ... he knows damn well that the only reason he got elected was because of me ... yeh ... I know what all of you all are thinking ... but you're wrong ... God told me to create all this mess so that Obama will be elected ... it was God's plan all along and I followed it perfectly ... so there!"

"Obama on the line, sir"

"Hi Barry ... I need to check with you on this .... " and Bush explains his sanction plans.
"So Barry ..." he whispers "I'll look like a lame duck if I don't do something ... you owe me Barry ... please Barry ... please .... ok then, at least say your name ... why? ... no reason at all ... just say your name ...PLEASE JUST SAY YOUR NAME WILL YOU! ... thanks Barry ... bye bye"

"What did he say, sir?" a general asked.

With a smile, Bush replied "Bar Iraq or Burma"
(Barack Obama)
-----------------------
Dedicated to Pres Obama. A historic win must be followed by a historic change to the massive damage that has been done -- wars, economy, environment for starters.

(thanks Shaan for helping me on the rhyming of Barack to Iraq)

You Can't Beat This^^

2008-09-26T02:52:00.013+08:00

Convicted vandal, Michael Fay stood before the court. "12 strokes of the cane" uttered the Singapore judge. This is not the kid stuff caning you get from your dad. This official punishment uses a half inch rattan rod, dipped in antiseptic and administered by one tough dude.

The time had come. Michael was strapped and bent over a wooden frame with his bare buttocks exposed. Adjacent parts of his body were padded to prevent accidental injury and a doctor was present. But this is small consolation.

Whack whack whack whack whack whack whack whack whack whack whack whack
.... but the screams from the agony were much louder. Blood flowed down his legs from his torn skin and raw muscles.

Some of the headlines in the papers the next day ...
Hit Dozen; Pain Butt; Hit Raws.
(It doesn't rain but it pours)

-----------------------------------------------

Dedicated to all the mental and physical sufferers of torture -- Abu Ghraib, Guantanamo Bay, Nazi Concentration Camps, Spanish Inquisition and countless others throughout history. Can a 1st world country like Singapore still keep 3rd world punishment? When will the politicians see the difficulty?

What makes an ordinary Joe, when put in a position of power, becomes pure evil?
Based on scientific studies, the "enemy" is dehumanized and holds wrong and dangerous ideologies and values. Therefore the abuse is rationalized, self-justified and reinforced by the herd mentality of his fellow torturers. Besides, "I was only following orders".

Alternative Mad is Son^^^^

2008-09-19T02:20:00.012+08:00

"By pricking these needles into your ear lobes, face, limbs and body, the bad Qi (pronounced Chee) energy will flow out" the acupuncturist explained

"Yes, yes, yes ... I'm feeling better already" said Sonny

"I can feel your damaged heart getting stronger" he continued with his hands just above Sonny's chest "the negative Qi is coming out through your chest, through my fingers and out forever."

"Yes I feel the tingle ... it's wonderful"

He then placed a lit prayer candle on Sonny's chest, sprinkled holy water, spread a little sacred soil and tied a string around his chest. He then blew gently.

"Now the incoming Qi has been altered, strengthened and made good by the 4 elements -- fire, water, earth and wind -- and I have tied the string to keep the 4 altered Qi in your chest and heart. Keep the string tied tightly and come back next week. Do you feel the power?"

"Yes I do ... and the warmth ... and the energy ... I feel great"

Sonny happily paid the $500 as he walked out of the crowded clinic. It was a fantastic deal! A risky bypass operation would have cost him over ten grand, lots of pain and laid up for weeks. Now there was a spring to his walk because of the altered good four Qi energy flowing through his heart.

He entered his condo lobby and, casting a smile at the elevator, he headed for the stairs to scamper up the few flights to his apartment. He never made it. A massive fatal heart attack stopped him just short.
Not Four Alter Qi in Tie? Nah.
(Not for all the tea in China)
-----------------

Dedicated to P. T. Barnum. He must be laughing from his grave knowing that in spite of advances in science, a good understanding of the Placebo effect and widespread education, suckers are still being born -- not every minute -- but every second. "Alternative" medicine (title of feghoot) is a misnomer -- it is either "evidence based" or "non-evidence based". Put my health in the hands of quacks? Not for all the tea in China.

Stern -- Boned Turds^^^^

2008-08-31T15:58:00.012+08:00

Far out at sea, everything was calm. The sun was setting and the sea birds were gracefully circling and diving for fish. A lone speedboat was heading towards an obscure beach. But something fishy was going on and it was definitely not the fish. On board were a gang of drug smugglers with their illicit hoard of cocaine and crack.

Suddenly 3 speedboats from the Coast Guard were spotted racing towards them. Panic ensued but the professional smugglers managed to throw the drugs overboard just in time. Without evidence, no arrests could be made, but the smugglers also lost millions by dumping their cargo.

The only "winners" seem to be the sea birds. They were now flying erratically and seem to prefer drinking sea water to catching fish!

No doubt about it. No Tern was Left Un-stoned.
(No Stone was Left Unturned)

----------------------

Dedicated to the wonders of world pay ... uh ... word play. For without Spoonerisms and Puns there could not be a Feghoot. Thank you Denis Norden and Frank Muir from the BBC Radio Show "My Word" for opening my ears to a whole new dimension of humor. If anyone knows how to contact these people or their family (FM is dead), let me know. I want to send them a note.

I was dormant for 40 years but am now catching up on tossed lime.

I have heard the punch line before although I am not sure where, but I am certain the story is original and so is the Spoonerist title.
(Title : Tern -- Stoned Birds)

Hart & Sole^^^

2008-08-30T02:03:00.009+08:00

Bambi had grown into a fine stag but his problems just don't seem to end. This time the love of his life was shot during hunting season leaving Bambi broken-harted (groan). To quell his grief and loneliness, he bought an aquarium to rear some fish. He decided on the sole because of their unusual characteristics. As fingerlings, they look quite ordinary but slowly their eyes migrate to the same side of their head and they eventually become flatfish typical of their species.

It isn't unusual that Bambi should have this hobby. After all, Abstinence makes the Hart grow Flounder.
(Absence makes the Heart grow Fonder)

----------------------
Dedicated to Charles Darwin and Alfred Russel Wallace. The concept of Natural Selection acting on genetic drifts has been thoroughly verified via DNA analysis, observation, selective breeding, fossil record and much more. But as everyone knows, a mountain of evidence is totally useless against blind faith.

Animal Quackers^^^

2008-06-16T16:28:00.004+08:00

Alcatraz prison in the 20s housed many hard core criminals. Nevertheless, the Annual Animal Imitation Competition was always a big hit with the inmates. Defending champion Robert Stroud aka the Birdman of Alcatraz was the favorite with his bird calls. Al Capone came in well prepared with his pig grunts and many of the judges in his back pocket. To minimize rigging, the new voting system required each judge to vote by secret ballot for 2 candidates.

Not surprisingly (in hindsight) what happened was that each bias judge voted for his particular "sponsor" and for the worst participant, who the judge thought had no chance. So the totally unexpected happened. A small-time hood with his terrible cow impressions won the event!!
I guess It Happens -- One Sinner Blew Moo.
(It Happens Once in a Blue Moon)

--------------------

Why is it that when you kill one person, you are evil. When you kill a hundred (like Al Capone) you are sort of a cult hero and when you kill tens of thousand (Napoleon, Qin Shi Huang, Alexander the Great) you are, well ... great. This feghoot is dedicated to peace lovers who can see though the propaganda.

Water Water Everywhere^

2008-06-02T14:50:00.007+08:00

With the melting of the icecaps, sea levels are rising and flooding the low lying areas. The most effective counter-measure is through land reclamation. A lot of money is needed to flatten mountains and hills in order to fill up the depressions and lowlands on the Earth.

It gives a whole new meaning to the phrase ...
Money makes the World go Round.

----------------------------
Dedicated to the Scientists whose detailed measurements have left no doubt on the on-going impact of global warming and people like Al Gore and Leonardo Di Caprio and others who heighten our awareness. Pres. GW Bush and others will go down in history as key people who were in power in the right country, at the right time, with the right resources but did nothing.

Urning Many^^^

2008-02-19T12:12:00.015+08:00

In places where the Keas, Toucans and Macaws inhabit, finding shards of pottery and glass on the ground is very common. Although these birds mainly feed on grains and nuts, they also supplement their diet with insects. They go after the bees and other bugs which often take cover in any niche they can find -- usually a small empty vessel. But these birds are not bird brains. Over time they have evolved a skill where they are able to use their strong beaks to lift these containers and shatter them on a hard surface. The unprotected insects then have no chance.

Next time, keep a lookout when you are in places where these birds reside. You will notice that The Parrots Often Carry Bee Urn.
(The Pirates of the Caribbean)
-----------------------

Dedicated to the plight of the endangered species in our shrinking natural world. Through poaching, habitat encroachment and climate change, humans are wiping out thousands of species.

Oh S(h)ucks^^^

2007-12-11T14:10:00.010+08:00

With its ferocious wildlife, walking through the jungles of Malaysia is not for the faint hearted. Not the tigers and venomous snakes of course -- you would be lucky to even spot one! The biggest threats are the mosquitoes and other bugs with the poisons and diseases they carry. Much less dangerous and very common are the leeches. They crawl into your socks and clothes for a painless blood meal. The guide explains before the trek how to handle these. Pulling them out can cause damage and not recommended. For smokers it is easy -- just give them a burn and they will fall off. Or you can use a penknife to chop it up.

Vera was walking with her fellow students on a school field study trip. She was clearly not experienced at jungle walks. She wore shorts! And this was a night trek! Almost immediately a leech anchored to the back of her thigh. She felt something and took out her flashlight and penknife to handle the critter. The very thought of cutting a leech was so "icky" but there was no choice. She quickly pressed the knife on the leech, sliced it in half and ran back to her holiday chalet. Cause of the problem? She wore a Short in the Dark.

During her shower, she glance back to where the bite was and to her horror, half of the leech was still clinging on! Blood was still slowly oozing out of the sliced body of the leach -- how gross! Now she understood why the guide had advised to "chop it up". Lesson Learnt? Never give a Sucker an Even Break.

-----------------------------

Dedicated to the suckers of the world -- that means almost everyone, I guess. For which one of us has not gone through life being conned at least once. Unrepayed loans, used by others for hidden agendas, manipulated - perhaps even willingly and happily, emotionally played out ... the list goes on. The meek shall inherit the Earth? Dream on.

Born to be Wild (the beast)^^

2007-11-16T16:06:00.006+08:00

"Some of these newly imported wildebeests from Kenya are out of control" said the zookeeper "they are running amok in their common enclosure and hurting the calm ones."

"What do you suggest, sir?" asked the assistant

"What the hell am I paying you for? You come up with a solution or you're fired"

A few hours later, the zookeeper came back to check.

"Great job! I see you have tied ropes around the necks of the crazy ones and hitched them to the fence"

"Yes sir. I hope these bad ones will calm down after a while so I can release them."

"By the way, how did you manage to think of such a simple but elegant solution?"

"Lucky I guess ... I just figured that No Noose is Good Gnus"
(No News is Good News)
---------------

Actually, no news is bad news. War, hunger, disease is pretty much ignored by the news media. Maybe there is not much demand for it or perhaps we just become immune to it after a while. As the saying goes -- one death is murder, a million is just statistics. Tell that to the million crying mothers ....

Bare Necessities^

2007-11-09T13:53:00.005+08:00

At the herb plantation, the native workers rarely used any footwear. Several herbs had prickly leaves and stems and this resulted in frequent cuts and scratches on their bare feet.

The management wanted them to put on shoes and came up with a slogan that could hardly be overlooked.

The injuries were drastically reduced when the catchy signs went up... "Thyme Wounds all Heels".
(Time Heals all Wounds)
------------------

For people who have undergone real painful losses, time doesn't really heal all wounds. But it does help somewhat.

Lambasted^^^

2007-10-02T16:42:00.004+08:00

Mary had a little Lamb
But the Lamb was a Ram
Entered Mary's room -- oh Damn
Unexpectedly and Wham

Revenge was Mary's Plan
Took an axe and Bam!
With bread and Ham
Mary had a little Lamb

Nine months later a Prang
Oh what a Sham
There pushing a Pram
Mary had a little Lamb

-----------------

Dedicated to the simple joys of life like breeze in your hair, the smell of pine needles, sitting on a swing, holding hands, laughter of children. (above poetry notwithstanding!)

Here and Gone^

2007-08-24T14:43:00.005+08:00

A conversation between a father and daughter

F: You know, I'm getting deaf ....

d: Hear today, Gone tommorrow ...

F: And balding too ...

d: Hair today, Gone tommorrow ...

F: Now stop that. How is your German friend with the sickly pet rabbit ...

d : Herr today, Gone tommorrow ... Hare today, Gone tommorrow ...

F: Now cut that out or I'll disown you ...

d: Heir today, Gone tommorrow ...
By the way dad, I am changing my sex .....

F: Oh well! Her today, Gone tomorrow.

--------------

Dedicated to the generation gap -- let's keep it small.

Special De-livery^^

2007-06-12T15:58:00.007+08:00

Nonook the Eskimo was a true entrepreneur. While his fellow Eskimos were out hunting seals, he exported fois gras to France! He raised geese in a heated barn, force-fed them and later cut out, minced and processed their liver.

Things were going fine until one cold winter's night when the power tripped in the barn. Needless to say, every goose was frozen to death the next morning.

With bankruptcy looming, he came up with an idea. Why not use seal's liver? His fellow Eskimos hunted lots of seals and he could get the liver real cheap. Surely, after mincing and processing, they would taste similar.

He put up signs all over town and within no time, his business was better than ever.

Some called him a sneaky genius, but the Eskimos also gave credit to his catchy Sign "Seal De-Livered"

-----------------------------

Dedicated to the people who boycott food that causes needless animal suffering (fois gras, turtles, shark's fin etc). If you have to eat meat, at least take those that minimise suffering.

Words in the Sand^^^^

2007-04-10T16:44:00.010+08:00

Heracles (Hercules) was asking Zeus for more powers.

"You know how the system works in Xanadu, ... uh Olympus" said Zeus "you scratch my back and I scratch yours"

"Of course, my God"

"That slimy God of the Sea, Poseidon, is going to run for TOP God in the coming election. He's all wet, I tell you"

"Yeah, pathetic. Nowadays, even Gods don't know their place." nodded Herc

"That sewer-polluted not-so-low-life actually challenged me to a contest. Just imagine .. me! An election gimmick of course, but my spin doctors have advised me to take it up."

"Whatever I can do, Zuzu"

"Of course I can do it easily myself, but it is beneath my dignity to be seen with him."

"Of course, Big Zee"

"Tomorrow, on Olympus Beach, you have to write my name 1000 times in the sand before his tide comes in to wash it away. You have less than 6 hours."

"I wont let you down"

Well, Herc was there on time at high tide. Poseidon and a huge crowd had gathered, together with the judges -- Dryan, Upala and Nimos.

As the tide receded, Herc started writing furiously... Zeus, Zeus .... Being ambidextrous he foiled Poseidon's plan by writing with both his hands at the same time! It was a close finish but Herc did it.

The next moment, Zeus appeared to soak in the glory of the cheering crowd. "A chore well done, Heracles, worthy of an epic feat"

Herc replied in all modesty,
"Epic Chore is Worth a Thou Sand-words"
(A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words)
------------------------------------------

Dedicated to the wonderful world of fantasy, science fiction and fairy tales -- stories limited only by imagination. Too bad when children grow up they actually believe incredulous stories to be true! Only now, it is called religion.
(Yes, I am ambidextrous)

No Light Weight^

2007-04-10T16:42:00.006+08:00

"M" assigned agent "A" to knock off "the Earl" -- Spectre mafia chief.
"Q", as always, issued "A" with his latest gadget -- a death ray gun. Unlike a light laser, this shot out a heavy dose of Gamma rays. With this,

"A" downed the Earl in Weighty Rays.

(Around the World in Eighty Days - transposition of the letters D, W & R)
------------------------------------------
Dedicated to my love and passion of Travel. Unshaven, coke & M&Ms & chips within easy reach, steering wheel in hand, John Denver on the CD, loved ones all around and a deserted road ahead to somewhere I have never been. How close to heaven can I get?

Burning Love^^^^

2007-04-03T12:45:00.005+08:00

When the Beatles visited India in the 60s for some yoga and meditation, one of the places they went to was the holy Hindu city of Varanasi. Sited alongside the sacred Ganges, it is the place where Hindus go on pilgrimage at least once in their lifetime. The bustling city is a Mecca (oops, wrong religion) for rituals on milestone occasions like Birth, Marriage and, most importantly, Death.

The Beatles, needless to say, witnessed the cremations at close range, next to the temple and mounds of burning wood. Unfortunately, their fans were also there, pushing and shoving to get a better view of their idols.(the Beatles, of course, not those in the temple). Of course the inevitable happened. While trying to avoid an over-eager fan, Ringo slipped and burnt himself on the flames. (He finally managed to reach high C, btw)

Well, as the saying goes,
"Out of the Prying Fan and into the Pyre."
(Out of the Frying Pan and into the Fire)
------------------------------

Dedicated to the amazing Beatles and the overcrowded city of Varanasi where I watched a never-ending "production line" of corpses going through ceremonial washing, wrapping, cremation, ash-collection and ash-scattering.

Streaking Shrek^^^^

2007-03-30T12:12:00.015+08:00

Shrek, the giant ogre, became very famous after his movies. With his enormous strength and kind heart, he continued his fight against evil into the 21st century. Needless to say, the United Nation felt that its own role as peacekeeper had been usurped and decided to issue a challenge to Shrek which they felt he surely could not do. .

"If you can leap around the Earth in a single bound, we will accept you as the true guardian of peace" they said.

Shrek could not shirk this challenge and started his training (to the tune of Rocky, of course). The critical day finally arrived and of course, the media had worked up the population to near hysteria. Will he do it? Can he do it?

All was set! A dwarf got down on his hands and knees at the starting/finishing line. He was to be Shrek's springboard! Now Shrek started his run almost a kilometer away. Building up speed rapidly, he literally blazed towards the starting line. (Of course his clothes burnt away due to air friction, but that is another (x-rated) feghoot) At the starting line he stepped on the dwarf, got a boost and vanished towards the horizon.

He was tracked via satellite as he flew round the Earth. Ninety minutes later, a small speck was seen on the other side. It was Shrek! He landed (some say crashed) a mere 100 meters past the finishing line. He had made it!

As the microphones from the world media were pushed into his bruised face, he called his dwarf pal to his side, pointed to him and uttered those historic and immortal first words.

"That's one Small Man for Step, One Mankind Leap for Giant"
(That's one Small Step for Man, One Giant Leap for Mankind)
------------------------------------------

Dedicated to all the Astronomers, Scientists and Engineers who put Neil Armstrong and others into space. I looked at the moon and Saturn with my 3-inch Newtonian when I was maybe 8 and astronomy has been my passion ever since. Thank you Voyager, Apollo, Hubble and the rest. Also to astronomer Prof McCord at MIT for whom I worked part-time while studying.

Beauty Turd^^^

2007-03-30T12:12:00.014+08:00

Little doubt that Sylvester was the leader of the cat mafia who terrorized Tweety and the other birds in the neighbourhood.

The birds decided to hire a huge dog to help them teach Sylvester a lesson he would never forget. In the middle of a freezing winter's night, the plan was set. The dog grabbed Sylvester while he was asleep and the birds started to peck his eyes. He was then thrown into a half-frozen lake. With bleeding eyes and almost frozen solid, he promised never to bother the birds again.
He was taken back to his house to warm up and Tweety summed up what Sylvester really was.

Ice Thawed, Eye Sore, A Pushy Cat
(I Thought I Saw a Pussy Cat)
--------------------------
Dedicated to the wonderful eccentric Warner Brothers cartoon characters of my childhood -- Daffy, Bugs, Foghorn, Elmer, Coyote. Sure beats the boring stuff Disney puts out.
Title : Tweety Bird

Horsing Around^

2007-01-07T11:53:00.004+08:00

I love horses and I love parades! When the two come together ... wow.
For the Mardi Gras, our polo club was asked to contribute a float. We had to decorate ourselves and our horses with colourful flowers and ribbons and bows on the saddle, reins, stirrups and all over the horse. We also had to display a sign denoting our club's name. Some would put on their saddles, some wear that on their clothes, and Some Wear Over The Rein Bow.

--------------

Dedicated to all the horses we had owned -- Ivory Princess, Bearer Bond, Bonus Bond (what a beauty!) and Amaan.
Israel "IZ" Kamakawiwoʻole version with the ukelele was played at when I walked Shaan down the aisle in Bali towards Jeremy. Unique and wonderful. "And the dream that you dare to, why, oh why can't I?"

Footloose^

2007-01-05T14:37:00.007+08:00

After Sam's trip to Bali, he was fascinated with the exotic "bamboo dance." The performance had 2 men clapping long bamboo poles close to the floor while 2 women stepped in and out of the poles to the rhythm of the music.

Back home, he tried out the dance with a couple of his friends using cue sticks. Needless to say, the whole thing was a fiasco with Sam getting his feet whacked by the sticks over and over again. It only goes to show that you shouldn't jump the cue.

-----------

Dedicated to my 2 left feet which have deprived me of my love of dancing. So unfair. (my singing voice sucks too).

Ghosts to Hell^^

2007-01-03T11:59:00.007+08:00

The spirits were restless. They were told by the top honcho (Holy Ghost) that they must wear clothes when they haunt people so as to not offend their modesty while scaring them to death! Two macho souls protested against the directive and set fire to a garment factory in protest.
In the Spirit Times the next day, the headlines screamed ---
"Two Manly Spooks Broil the Cloth"
(Too Many Cooks Spoil the Broth - tri-Spooner of C, Sp & Br)
-------------

Dedicated to the Skeptics and Rationalists everywhere. A fragile flame providing light in a world dominated Supernatural Beliefs and Superstition.

J. R. R. Tolk-Inn^

2007-01-03T11:58:00.004+08:00

Frodo and Samwise made use of their travel experience to open a chain of hotels throughout Middle Earth. Such was their quality and value that people would Laud of their Inns.
(Lord of the Rings)
-------------
Dedicated to all those who are young at heart and manage to retain their love of fantasy and wonder throughout their lives.

My 'air Lady^

2007-01-01T12:26:00.007+08:00

Prof. Henry Higgins took Eliza Doolittle to his mother’s house for high tea where he offered the cockney girl some ham sandwiches. When Eliza later recounted the event to Henry’s high society friends, there was some confusion. As she dropped all the “h”s, they were under the impression that she went to
‘am ‘igh tea.
(MIT ham high tea)
--------------------------

A short feghoot with 2 long dedications ... sorry
Dedicated to my Alma Mater, MIT. Thanks for a great education and lots of fun. Too bad universities don’t teach you to be smart. You need the streets for that.

Dedicated to my HongKong Diocesan Boys' School Literature teacher, Mr. Jacobsen, who "taught" me how to watch movies (and applicable to people, places and everything in life too I guess)! Don't just look at the stars and the main songs. Look deeply where very few do -- the costumes, the background, the extras, the background music. "Go see My Fair Lady again with this in mind" he said.

Time for Flying^^

2007-01-01T12:24:00.005+08:00

It was a long hot summer at the home for retarded children. Howard, as usual, was sitting by the open window which, of course, had a screen to keep the bugs out. Occasionally, a bug would land on the screen and crawl around looking for a way in. Actually, there was a small tear on the bottom left corner and a bug would eventually find it and fly in. Howard found great amusement checking on his watch to see how long it took an insect to find the gap.

To the care-givers, it looked like Howard as was totally nuts. Here he was looking up, looking at his watch, looking up again and repeating this all day. Little did they know that ... How time flies.

-----------------------------------------------

Dedicated to mentally handicapped who have been unfairly cheated of a life and my father, Adam, who was chairman of the Tampines Home for Retarded Children for many years.

All the thyme in the World^^

2007-01-01T12:22:00.006+08:00

Ghosts are weird, as everyone knows. They mess up ordinary houses and still continue to stay there instead of 5-star hotel suites or Bill Gate’s mansion.

What people don’t know is that these spirits do get hungry as haunting is clearly an exhausting activity…. you know … moving things around, flying about.

Being ghosts and all, it is easy to get money to purchase any amount of food, but they eat just one type of herb! And even then, only if it is delivered by a donkey! Like I said, they are weird!

In other words, “ass thyme ghosts buy”
(as time goes by)

------------------
Dedicated to all the delusionists of the world who give their time and money to fortune tellers, priests, mediums and other paranormal charlatans.

I Kneed You^^

2006-09-19T15:13:00.004+08:00

Alma twisted her leg while skiing. Her husband, Zane, took her to the nearest clinic which was jam-packed with patients. After a long agonising wait, she finally got to see the doctor. As expected, he took a quick look, applied some lotion and wrapped the leg in a small sling --- all in 5 minutes! It was sad to see Alma suffering while the doctor was roughly slapping on the bandage.

Needless to say, it was a sloppy rush job and as soon as she entered the lobby of her hotel, the wrapping was loose. People watched as Zane carefully removed the bandage and very gently re-wrapped the leg. The feelings Zane had for Alma was there for all to see because

Love is Alma Knee's Tender Sling

(Love is a many splendoured thing)

------------
Dedicated to Almas and the emotion that causes the greatest happiness and pain -- love.

Ant that the Truth^^^

2006-06-13T20:16:00.004+08:00

It is truly facinating to see an ant colony in action. Always busy digging wells and tunnels and hunting for food to feed the colony.

Unfortunately, one group of ants were tunnelling a new living quarters near an oil field. The ground beneath was somewhat weakened by the digging and the oil started to seep out through the holes. This drowned most of the colony. Basically what happened was that

Oil swell that Ant's Well.
(Alls well that Ends Well)
-----------------------------

Dedicated to the commodity that controls our lives and make nations invade and destroy others -- oil.

As easy as C C C^

2006-05-05T15:45:00.006+08:00

"But you have everything!" his friend said

"I still think I am missing something!" the billionaire replied.

"Well you have condominiums, culture, cars, club memberships, children and tons of cash -- what else could you want?"

"Not sure, but I always thought there were seven Cs"

-------------------
Dedicated to Shawn, my ex-bridge partner and a sailor in the navy.

Bare Necessities^^

2006-04-28T14:35:00.005+08:00

Did you hear about the beautiful magician's assistant who was found dead with just her brassiere on?

It was A Bra Cadaver.
(Abracadabra)
---------------------------

Dedicated to CSI (Crime Scene Investigation) -- where an ounce of fact outweighs a mountain of eye witnesses.

Perfect Timing^^^^

2006-04-04T17:44:00.005+08:00

Albert Einstein was a great physicist and peace activist but it has now come to light that he also believed in the occult pseudoscience of numerology.

While pouring over his space-time relativity equations in 1933, he decided to plug in his personal details ... and lo and behold ... a disturbing result turned up. He was going to die on 15th March 1935! He rechecked it a few times but there was no mistake.

The genius pondered over the greatest problem he had ever encountered and finally figured out that there was a small chance he could actually avoid the Ides of March and with it, the wrath of fate!

His plan was simple in concept but difficult in practice. He would hire a plane and take off from the western tip of Alaska just before midnight on 14th March. He would then fly across the Bering Straits towards the USSR. If he could time it exactly (remember there were no GPS those days), he would cross the International Date Line exactly at midnight and therefore go directly into March 16th!

The critical time finally arrived and guess what? Sad to disappoint all you action movies junkies, but everything went off exactly as planned! Yawn!

Well it had to be, you see, everybody knows that

"A Niche in Time Saves 'Stein"

-------------

2 Dedications:
To Albert Einstein for heralding in the new era of physics. Needless to say, he hardly believed in organised religion, let alone numerology.
To Isaac Asimov (who wrote a feghoot with this identical pun(ch) line) for countless hours of wonder.

Against the Odds^

2006-02-17T13:07:00.007+08:00

"I tell you that there is no one in our senior class who weighs 60 kilos" insisted Al

"Well it says right here in the newsletter that that is the mean weight" countered Beth.

"Don't you see" explained Al "that the mean weight of men is about 70 kilos and the mean weight of women is about 50 kilos. By mixing all the data together, they came up with a meaningless figure of 60 kilos."

"Oh yes, I understand it now" Beth said " Now I know what they mean by the Flaw of Averages"

-------------------

Dedicated to Mathematics. Like many kids, I started with Pi and then to i, e and phi and feel the unique combination of beauty and truth. I am truly previledged.
I spent no time studying Math and I aced it but spent tons of time on French and barely scraped through. This must mean the more you study the worse your grades. Another example on how statistics can lie.

Flying Carpets^^^

2005-09-22T19:58:00.004+08:00

Hurricane Katrina lashed out her anger on New Orleans as she left a trail of destruction in her wake. Houses wrecked, trees uprooted, lives lost. Peeping out of my house, I saw Katrina completely destroy my garage and smashed open my car. I just couldn't believe it as I saw padding from the seats and fragments of the car window being blown away. All 4 of my car rugs were spinning wildly in the gale. It was surely a mat mat mat mat whirl.

--------------------------------------

Dedicated to the victims of hurricanes and typhoons everywhere in this mad mad mad mad world. Can't these countries see that the Kyoto Protocol to control greenhouse gases and global warming needs to be signed by every nation and thoroughly enforced. Otherwise things can only get worse.

S-tressed Out^^^^

2005-06-27T22:56:00.009+08:00

Mary had long beautiful curly locks but peer pressure dictated that it was fashionable to have totally straight hair. To have her hair ironed and pressed by professionals was pretty expensive but she found a compromise solution. She went to a hairdresser's school where girl trainees would do her hair for half the cost.
Big mistake! Her hair was badly burnt and she had to buy a wig to hide the damage. Needless to say, she was the laughing stock of all her so-called friends.
Something just snapped within her. She swore revenge and began a kidnapping spree against all the hairdressers at the school. Over a period of a year, one by one, she would knock them out with chloroform and then sell them off to pimps in the sex trade.
When she was finally caught, she was taken to the FBI headquarters and interrogated. She was asked where she got such a bizarre idea. "No big deal" she replied, "I see the signboards telling me what to do everywhere."

"And what signboard is that?" the Interrogator asked.

"Just like the one outside this building," she smiled
"Tress Pressers will be Prostituted"
(Trespasser will be Prosecuted)
----------------
Dedicated to all the abused children -- perhaps externally wounded but all mentally scarred for life.
----------------

Fruitility^

2005-06-27T22:56:00.008+08:00

The durian seller is a master of the sleight of hand. No matter how carefully you watch him pack your fruits, he still manages to sneak in a rotten one.
In other words, there is "All Lice in one Durian".
(Alice in Wonderland)

-----------------------
Dedicated to the King of Fruits -- the Durian and Lewis Carroll. So is it aroma de heaven or just eating custard in the toilet? Only the Cheshire Cat nose.

Fly Away Peter, Fly Away Appall^^

2005-06-19T00:44:00.010+08:00

Not sure where 8 year old Peter got his nasty streak, but he sure took out his meanness on his little sister and the animals around him.
Kicking and stoning cats and dogs was a daily affair. Others were really gross.
Just the other day, he put some butter on the garbage can and watched the flies gorge on it. When they could no longer fly, he then took a sewing needle and pierced the whole lot of them into a necklace. When he garlanded his sister, you should have heard her scream.
"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE, PETER!!" she yelled.

"Bloat like a Butter Fly. String like a Bead" he replied honestly.

----------------------
Dedicated to Mohammad Ali for a riveting performance both inside and outside the ring.

The Bitch is Back^^^^

2005-06-19T00:44:00.009+08:00

Susan was an only child and a rebel. Her aristocratic upbringing could not hold back her anti-social behavior and at the age of fifteen she promptly left her family to join the Hell's Angels, roaming the country on her stolen Harley.

One day a lawyer tracked her down. He told her that her father had passed away. In his will, he had left her his multi-million dollar inheritance on condition that she give up her wild ways and return to her duty as the last living heir of the family.

As this story is not a fairy tale, needless to say, she complied and lived happily ever after in wealth and luxury.

As there are not too many ways to spend your time when you don't need to work, she wrote a book on her exploits and her eventual return as heir to the estate. The name of the book?

"The Bitch Biker's Ride to the Legacy"
(Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)
---------------------
Dedicated to the late Douglas Adams - a imaginative humour writer without equal. Thank you for your "trilogy" of 6 books and no thanks for the pathetic movie and all the fish.

Whale of a Wave^^

2005-06-05T15:55:00.004+08:00

Who can forget that amazing scene from David Attenboriugh's Life on Earth where the orcas would glide to the shore at high tide to catch the hapless seals.

The most famous of all the orcas is, of course, Shamu, currently entertaining thousands at San Diego's Sea World. Undoubtedly tamed, but accidents can easily occur when dealing with a multi-ton beast.

Just the other day, a trainer was badly hurt when Shamu accidentally scraped his arm with its teeth. After being rescued, he angrily shouted, "I am going to sue everybody for this. The management, the company, the .... "

"Take it easy" his boss replied, "you signed an indemnity form when you took this job to exclude any work related injury.
"You cannot sue many as it was a tidal whale.
(ok, ok a little contrived -- "sue many" for Tsunami and "tidal whale" for tidal wave is definitely pushing it.)

--------------------
"I complained I had no shoes until I saw a man with no feet." -- Sayings of the Buddha
Dedicated to the victims of the Great Sumatran Tsunami of 26 Dec 2004

The Fellowship of the BoRing^

2005-05-20T01:47:00.004+08:00

People who say that The Lord of the Rings is the best movie of all time are just Tolkien nonsense.

----------------
Dedicated to J R R Tolkien, Isaac Asimov, Arthur C Clark -- the authors who filled introverted kids like myself with wonder and imagination.

Tennis Zero^^

2005-03-21T23:13:00.004+08:00

Robin Gibb was a great singer and composer for the Bee Gees but was under the illusion that he could play great tennis as well. While he could easily beat the locals at his club, he really wanted to prove to everyone that he could beat the professionals as well.
His brother, Barry, tried discourage him but to no avail. Robin put up the money and challenged Andre Agassi to a one-to-one match for a million dollars to the winner. This was, of course, readily accepted.
As the game progressed, the score went from 15-Love, 30-Love, 40-Love, Game, 15-Love, 30-Love, 40-Love, Game, 15-Love, 30-Love, 40-Love, Game and on and on. Barry just could not bear to watch Andre massacre his brother and left the court after the first set. When he estimated that the match would be about over, he felt that he had to call up Robin to console him and to find out if he had managed to score any points at all against Andre. He knew that Robin will be feeling down and he had to be tactful in his question. He dialed Robin and asked, “How Deep is your Love”.

--------------
Dedicated to the #1 Bee Gees fan in Singapore and ex-army buddy, Kanan. (I told you I would make a feghoot out of it!)

Mick’s Mix Motive^^^

2005-03-20T23:13:00.005+08:00

People were getting increasingly skeptical of organised religion and the effect was plain for all to see, especially in the West. Only a few people regularly attended the churches, mosques, temples and synagogues. With such poor attendance, it was inevitable that many had to be closed down and sold at rock bottom prices due to oversupply. Rich and famous musicians were keen to buy up such properties for a song (no pun intended) as tax shelters. They could also use the hall for rehearsals, performances and (heaven forbid!) parties while waiting for the prices to recover.
A nosy reporter happened to investigate Mick Jagger’s purchases and found out that he had bought several churches, temples and synagogues but not a single mosque. Strangely enough, neither did Keith Richards and the rest of the band members.

The mystery was finally solved when the reporter managed to corner Mick one day and asked him why this was so.

“It no secret” replied Mick “Everybody knows A Rolling Stone Gathers No Mosques.”

--------------
Dedicated to freethinkers of the world and the fantastic The Rolling Stones.

First Cut is the Deepest^^^^

2005-03-17T23:13:00.006+08:00

At last, the true story how Heather McCartney lost her leg.

Very few people know that Paul McCartney was an amateur magician and Heather was his assistant. While he was not composing or performing with the Beatles, he use to do his magic show at charities and parties and always got a polite applause so as to not hurt his feelings.

Unfortunately, Paul really began to believe that he was great and requested his professional illusionist friend David Copperfield to watch and comment on his illusions. Paul did his usual boring tricks and as a grand finale, did the “sawing the lady in half” illusion.

David honestly told him that all his tricks were quite standard and to be a good magician he had to do the tricks differently.

“What do you mean?” asked Paul angrily

“Say, for example, can you saw Heather in the upright position rather than the normal reclining position?” asked David

“Of course, I can saw her upright”

“No you cannot, Heather will not be able to squeeze into half the box while upright” said David.

“Nonsense”

“I challenge you to do it”

“No problem. Heather come here! Put the box upright and get in.”

“I dare you”

“Just watch me. Hand me the saw”

Paul proceeded to do the illusion and we all know what happened to poor Heather's leg. Paul felt so guilty that he gave up magic and he eventually married Heather when his wife Linda died.

You will not find this incident in any Beatles archives, but Paul wrote a song about it. You see, he called the fateful challenge as the “I saw her standing” dare.

--------------
Dedicated to the Beatles who revolutionised pop music and made our lives so much richer. Also to to the great magicians -- Houdini, David Copperfield -- who earn an honest living with their illusions instead of the "psychic" charlatans who give people false hope and con them of ther money.

Un-Bear-able^^^

2005-03-15T08:39:00.005+08:00

Once upon a time, in the merry old days of King Arthur, Sir Lancelot the Valiant and Sir George the Dragon Slayer, there lived a brave knight called Sir Valentine. These days of yore still had a phase between friendship and love and many a brave knight traveled the countryside on their trusty steed to court fair maidens. While Sir Valentine had all the attributes expected of a knight, he had one minor flaw. He had a weak bladder. Whenever he started to court a lady, the inevitable would happen.

Needless to say, the sight of urine flowing down his leg was a real turn off (or whatever the term they used in those days). Soon the ladies would giggle to each other whenever he approached to court them. It was sad to see such a perfect knight ruined by such a minor flaw and to go down in history being known only by his nickname---

"Pee knee the Woo"
(Winnie the Pooh)
--------------
Dedicated to my daughter Shazeen’s favorite cartoon character.

Down and Out^^

2005-03-15T03:07:00.006+08:00

Not easy being a food server in a restaurant these days. Gone are the days when all you needed to do was smile, talk politely and take the order. Nowadays you have to help out in the kitchen and even move furniture. Just the other day, my boss asked me to move the refrigerator and I, like an idiot, decided to do it myself to impress the boss. What was I thinking!

You can imagine what happened. A sharp pain raced through my groin. I bent over and collapsed with the damn thing on top of me. Just Like a Fridge over Doubled Waiter.
(Just like Bridge over Troubled Water)
-----------
Dedicated to my favorite game - Bridge

Whatever Will Be^^

2005-03-14T23:44:00.004+08:00

Sam just couldn’t stop trying to educate his precious little daughter Kay. They were in the Temple of Karnac in Egypt and he spent all his time pointing out structures, hieroglyphs and the ancient history of the Pharaoh and their various Gods. As they passed yet another statue of the Egyptian Sun God, he once again repeated those words for the umpteenth time
“Kay see Ra, see Ra”
(Que Sera Sera)
-------------
Dedicated to Sheza with apologies to the French language

Base Instinct^^

2005-03-14T03:06:00.003+08:00

Things began to get a little nasty at the recent UN conference. Both Pres. Bush of USA and China’s Premier Hu wanted to give the opening address.
“I am the President of the most powerful and richest country in the world. I will speak FIRST.” Bush exclaimed.
“I am the leader one quarter of the world’s population. I have the right to speak FIRST” Hu insisted.
As the argument got more heated, diplomats from both countries worked behind the scenes to avoid World War 3.
It was finally resolved when the Chinese diplomats proved without a doubt that throughout the past fifty years, every American knows that “Hu’s on First”

-----------
Dedicated to Abbot and Costello

Riting the Wrong^^^

2005-03-14T02:54:00.005+08:00

The old Hindu priest was quite frustrated. He was in charge of organising a traditional Balinese Dance and one of the 3 dancers did not show up at the last minute.

“Can’t we just go ahead with 2 dancers, O holy one” asked the junior priest.

“No, we must have all 3 or the show has to be cancelled” replied the old priest.

“But, O wise one, everybody will be so disappointed. I have talked to the 2 dancers. They are all dressed up in their traditional costumes and they are quite willing to go ahead without the third.”

“You don’t understand,” said the Old Priest “we must have 3. You see, TWO SARONGS DON’T MAKE A RITE.”

----------
Dedicated to that wonderful Island of Bali (minus the tourists) where Shaan's wedding reception took place with an ocean back drop.

Vatt did U Say^^^^

2005-03-13T02:54:00.003+08:00

In Alphabet Land, there lived two long time enemies – the U tribe and the V tribe.

Although they disliked each other, protocol dictated that whenever they passed each other on the street, the greeter would nod its head and the response would be a twist of the head to the right in acknowledgement.

One day a certain V greeted a U in the usual manner but the U totally ignored him. This sparked a major argument, but the U refused to relent.

Later that day a group of Vs letter-napped the rude U and brought him to an abandoned room. In spite of several threats and assaults, the U refused to twist his head. Finally they threw some sour watery milk on him and the U finally relented.

This only goes to show that “V have wheys to make U torque”

-----------
Dedicated to Edwin Abbot’s wonderful book “Flatland” that opened my mind to Science..

It Ain’t Heavy, She’s My Mother^^^

2005-03-12T03:14:00.005+08:00

Before the days of mass agriculture and foreign labor, farms were just a few acres across and it wasn't uncommon to have extended families living together to help out.

Riaz and Lily owned one such farm and lived with their several small kids and both their elderly widowed mothers.

It had been a hard day picking the fruits and vegetables and it was pretty late in the evening before they could even start loading their truck to get the groceries to the city before dawn.

"It's eight now, why don't you tell your mother to rest a little. My mum can work until nine and your mum can then take over and complete the job?" Lily suggested.

Riaz knew better than to argue.

Well, as you would have guessed, Riaz's mum overslept.

When Lily saw her mother still working past nine, she walked briskly to Riaz, tapped on her watch uttered those immortal words:

"It's 9:11. Oh! Same Ma Been Lading"

------------
Wrote this feghoot to commemorate 9:11 and all the cowardly terrorist killing of innocents. Sad that innocent Iraq got hit a thousand times over for a crime Al Qaeda committed. The worst kind of terrorism is, without doubt, committed by leaders of countries.

Liquid Assets^

2005-03-12T03:03:00.003+08:00

Joe kept on making money on the stock market, regardless whether it was going up or down. This attracted the attention of the Security Commission who tailed him night and day. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary except that Joe bought several barrels of apple juice every week. When Joe was out one day, the agents put in hidden surveillance cameras all over his house. It revealed that he fills his bathtub with the apple juice, sits in it and then calls his broker on his cell phone to buy and sell.
Needless to say, he was promptly arrested for “in cider trading”.

-------------------
Dedicated to the lowest life on the Earth – the Financial Consultant. (My apologies to the Lawyers and Politicians for not giving them this honour ... it was close though.)

Zoo Blues^

2005-03-12T02:59:00.003+08:00

A small town in Alaska had just spent a bundle importing some wildebeests from Kenya to their modest zoo. They regretted their decision almost immediately as the exotic animals had an enormous appetite of expensive imported African grass and continuously needed medical attention as they fell sick in the cold. They were sent back to Kenya within a month. It was a simple decision in hindsight.

Everyone knows that no gnus is good news.
(sorry, not one of my better ones)

--------------
Dedicate to my father Adam and his fight against Animal Cruelty

Water Hazard^^^

2005-03-12T02:55:00.003+08:00

While many adventures of Sir Lancelot have been told through the centuries, this particular one, for obvious reasons, has been forgotten.

Sir Lancelot was out in the moors of merry ol’ England late one evening. As he could not see any village nearby, he laid down to sleep for the night on the grass. He was rudely awakened when he felt some warm liquid on his face. He looked around and found himself in the midst of a flock of sheep, quietly grazing. It did not take him long to conclude that they were

“sheeps that pass in the knight”

------------
Dedicated to my camping friends Tom Polin and Christopher Richardson. Had a great time at the Reunion in Macau in 2007.

Bob’s Breeze^

2005-03-12T02:51:00.003+08:00

“Please doc, can you help me”

“What seems to be the problem, Bob?”

“I have a flatulence problem, doc”

“I think I can give you something for that”

“Will the treatment cost a lot, doc?”

“It depends on how serious your problem is, ”

“Can you be more specific, doc”

“Not really Mr. Dylan, you see, the answer is blowin’ in the wind.”

-----------
Dedicated to Bob Dylan of the 60s (before Nashville Skyline, religion and metal)

Beetween the Bees^^^

2005-03-12T01:53:00.003+08:00

Once upon a time, there lived four bees.

All through the summer, they frolicked from flower to flower and had a great time. However, when winter came, it was clear that the meager food they had stored would be insufficient for them to survive.

After some serious discussion, they decided that two bees would have to sacrifice their lives so that the other two could live. Obviously, no one volunteered and they could not figure how to select the victim.

In other words, which “2 bees ought not to be, that is the question”

------------
(Feghoot written in commemoration of Shaan’s Bee sting – June 11, 2003)

Food for Thought^^

2005-03-11T11:16:00.003+08:00

Well it had to happen sooner or later. Genetic engineering had modified so many animals and plants that the public was pretty much immune to such on-going breakthrough.

Yet when it was announced that a prominent scientist had modified the humble sweet potato to the level of human intelligence, skepticism reigned. But at the press conference, all doubts were erased when a microphone was placed next to the tuber and the world heard those immortal words.

"I think, therefore I yam"

---------
Dedicated to my Vegetarian father – Adam

Big Butt Problem^^^

2005-03-10T10:49:00.005+08:00

The grandfathers of Rock, the Rolling Stones were performing. As usual, with the high prices, the majority of the people watching the show were middle aged and many of them were pretty obese. This posed some problems as the seats were of standard size at the theater. Several of them complained and shouted to Mick Jagger on stage who finally said he would send the manager and his staff to look for a place in the theater with wider seats so that those who were overweight would be comfortable.

Unfortunately, they were no wide seats in the theater and the manager told Mick the bad news. Sadly Mick went to the microphone to make the sad announcement –

"I've tried and I've tried but I can't get no fatties’ section"

----------
Dedicated to the wonderful music of the 60s & 70s and the fatties (I'm getting there)

Bend the Ruler^^^

2005-03-10T03:04:00.004+08:00

James was one of a set of identical triplets. While his brothers were easy going and flexible, James was one stubborn sob. Nevertheless, they were very close and loved each other dearly.

One day they decided to visit the Kingdom of Qari for a holiday and immediately attracted the attention of the vizier who was at the airport at that time. Thinking that the identical triplets would amuse his majesty, he got his guards to round them up and brought before his King.

They were instructed to bow down when the King made his entrance. While his brothers did so, James stubbornly refused. This was viewed as a supreme insult. But according the strange law of the land, a person who does something out of principle could not be physically harmed in any way but any random person could be punished as the vizier pleased.

On the vizier command, the guards immediately took out their batons and began beating his brothers. James winced but kept upright. His brothers were then pelted with rocks, but James still refused to bow. Finally, the brothers were tied to the stake and set on fire.

“Will you now bow before the King?” screamed the Vizier.

But James gritted his teeth and replied “Sticks and stones may bake my clones, but James will never curtsy."

----------
Dedicated to the late Dolly the sheep – the first cloned animal

Harping Away^^^

2005-03-09T03:09:00.004+08:00

Cockney Jimmy Hend was a master of the electric harp. While George Harrison’s guitar gently weeps, Jimmy’s harp drips the sweat from his body as he bangs and strums his way through his wild performance.
One day, after a matinee performance and a few drinks inside him, he picked up his son from school. On the way home, he lost control of the car and his son was killed when the car hit a tree. Jimmy was dazed but unhurt.
Beset with melancholy and guilt, he totally lost his enthusiasm for music and his harp playing was reduced to mediocrity. Jimmy visited many psychiatrists and therapists to get him through his depression, but to no avail.
One day a friend suggested making an appointment with a witch doctor. Jimmy was skeptical but what did he have to lose. On meeting the “doctor” he poured his heart out about his career and the events that led to his depression.Finally the doctor replied. “I think I may have the answer. I suggest a tattoo of your son, which I will etch on your shoulder. This will symbolize the spiritual connection of your music to your dead son.
Incredibly the advice worked. Jimmy got over the sorrow and was soon back to his wild performances – sweat and all.

There was no need to explain his recovery to anyone. It was all there in the lyrics of his opening song.
“Son Sign on my Shoulder make me Harp Pee”

----------
Dedicating this feghoot to my daughters – Shaan(shine)and Shazeen

A Hairy Problem^^^

2005-03-08T11:11:00.003+08:00

At the famous Fisherman’s Wharf in San Francisco some years ago, a strange phenomenon was occurring. It seemed that at the end of some of the elaborate and colorful piers, a type of hairy fungus was growing and the tourists were complaining.

Every time the cleaners shaved off the moss with their chisels, the hair would be back in a couple of days. It was pretty puzzling, as the moss would only grow back at their original spots and never attack other areas.

Needless to say, the tourist board was alarmed as this area was the number one tourist dollar earner in SF. Marine biologists were called in from the University of San Francisco to analyze the situation.

After a couple of months and a few million dollars of research and experimentation later, they finally solved the mystery. The fungus grew on white paint only and not on other color paints that was used to color those piers. Basically, their recommendation was

"So no white end the shavened wharves"

-----------------------------

Wrote this feghoot to commemorate my daughter Shazeen’s School - USF

(Snow White and the 7 dwarves)